DoD to reinstate ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ unless trans man can do more pushups than Hegseth

ARLINGTON, Va. – Newly appointed Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth said the Department of Defense will reinstate its controversial don’t ask, don’t tell policy unless a transexual man of his choosing can do more pushups than him.

The decision comes as part of his quest to make the U.S. military less “woke”, even though, like most Fox News hosts, he doesn’t really understand what that term actually means.

“I don’t believe gays and trannys belong in the military because I don’t like how they confuse Little Pete down there,” said Hegseth, who proudly proclaimed he did five sets of 47 pushups to get ready for his confirmation hearing. “If they can confuse me, an alpha male, they’ll distract the manliest of men in uniform. They’re a distraction that our warfighters don’t need.”

Hegseth, as a self-proclaimed man of honor, said he’s willing to reconsider his decision to reinstate DADT if Sgt. Duncan Cunningham, born Alicia Cunningham, could defeat him in a pushup contest.

Cunningham, who is currently undergoing gender reassignment surgery at Walter Reed Army Medical Center, is unaware of the SecDef’s ultimatum.

“If trans men and women want to serve in the infantry, they need to meet the standards,” said Hegseth. “So, if the alphabet people want to keep serving, this chick who wants a dick needs to do more pushups than me. It’s that simple. She has 24 hours to do it.”

Critics of Hegseth’s decision to bring back DADT are warning that the current administration is just trying to reinstate the cis-white Christian male as the only federally recognized human to have rights and won’t positively impact the military’s readiness or lethality.

“Members of the LGBTQIA+ community have served with honor and dignity since the birth of our nation,” said Deborah Waller, a military historian. “To say having gay, queer, or trans soldiers in your formation negatively impacts the military’s readiness is simply false. They’ve always been held to the same standards as everyone else; that fat E-4 who can’t pass his annual fitness test is a greater threat to our troops than someone attracted to someone with the same sex organs.”

After hearing about Hegseth’s offer to not reinstate DADT if a transexual service member can do more pushups than him, Master Sgt. John Barker, a trans man who has repeatedly scored a perfect 600 on the Army Combat Fitness Test using the male requirements, said he is willing to represent the approximately 79,000 LQBTQIA+ service members actively serving in the armed forces.

“We raised our right hands and took an oath to protect our nation from enemies foreign and domestic, just like everyone else,” said Barker. “And sometimes that means stepping up to do a bunch of pushups to make sure we don’t lose the rights we’ve fought so hard to get.”

Hegseth has not responded to Barker’s challenge.

Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell was a DoD policy that was signed into law in 1993 and prevented the LGBTQIA+ community from serving openly in any branch of the military. It was repealed in 2011 with applause from civil rights activists and a whole lot of nut-to-butt activities aboard naval ships.