Thanks to Trump, everyone is now a lesbian, fulfilling every dude’s wildest dream

WASHINGTON D.C. – On President Trump’s first day in office, he signed an executive order titled Defending Women from Gender Ideology Extremism and Restoring Biological Truth to the Federal Government, which was supposed to limit the number of federally recognized sexes to two: male and female.

While the law was meant to simplify the conversation about sex, gender, and gender ideology, the terminology used in the executive order has—most likely unintentionally, but to the fanfare of dudes everywhere—legally made everyone in the country, regardless of whether they have a penis or vagina, into a woman and, by default, a lesbian.

“I’m pretty sure every dude has the fantasy of being a lesbian,” said Chad Michael-Smith, a pornography addict. “Now, thanks to President Trump, we can all live out our widest fantasies!”

The confusion in the executive order derives from Section 2, paragraphs D and E, which states:

• (D) “Female” means a person belonging, at conception, to the sex that produces the large reproductive cell.
• (E) “Male” means a person belonging, at conception, to the sex that produces the small reproductive cell.

While these two paragraphs may look factually correct to the laymen, biologists were quick to point out that every fetus, regardless of whether they have an X and Y chromosome or two X chromosomes, has female sex organs at the time of conception.

“I’m not sure whoever wrote this executive order has ever looked at a human anatomy and biology book,” said Dr. Sarah Ringer, a pediatric doctor at the Cleveland Clinic. “Every fetus has identical genitalia at conception, and we don’t really see any changes until about six or seven weeks into the pregnancy. Around that time, if a Y chromosome is present, it will begin to express itself and testes will begin to develop. If a Y chromosome is not present, the fetus will continue to develop the female genitalia.”

While it doesn’t take a genius to understand what the Trump administration and Republicans were attempting to achieve with this executive order, critics of this action warn that it doesn’t account for people who genetically don’t fit within the binary notion of sex. For example, it’s believed that nearly 2% of the world’s population are born with intersex traits, meaning they don’t possess and XX or XY chromosome combination or are born with reproductive organs that don’t match their genetic makeup—that’s more common than having red hair or being an identical twin.

Of course, if we learned anything about Trump during his first term as president, it’s that he doesn’t give a shit about science. So, will the inaccurate verbiage in his executive order force Trump and the GOP to reconsider their stance on gender and sex equality? No, probably not. But, on a brighter note, we now have our first female president, technically.