Maury Povich joins ICE raids, “you are not a citizen”

CHICAGO – In an effort to help raise the popularity of deportations, the U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement Agency has enlisted the help of T.V. personality Maury Povich to break the news to the unsuspecting undocumented immigrants.

During these raids, after ICE agents busted into the homes and businesses of suspected illegals and put everyone in handcuffs, Povich would enter the scene with an envelope, open it, and after a suspenseful pause, announce to the world, “you are not a citizen”—a play on his signature catchphrase “you are not the father,” from his talk show, Maury.

“They brought me into these people’s homes, handed me an envelope, and told me to look in the camera and read what was inside,” said Povich. “What made the whole situation really uncomfortable to me was that sometimes the cards said those people were citizens, so we’d let them go. We raided their homes, put them through immeasurable stress, said ‘your good’, and then left like nothing happened. Raiding hideouts for undocumented criminals is one thing, but these were the homes of law-abiding citizens. What the fuck is going on?”

Povich also said the only reason he signed on to do this was because his agent had made it sound like the studios were interested in rebooting his talk show with a slightly tweaked format to appeal to this generation’s consumer. He wasn’t expecting to be put in a bullet proof vest and doing onsite citizenship reveals. “It all felt very dirty, and most likely illegal.”

The 85-year-old T.V. personality may have felt duped, but the early ratings of his new show indicate it’s going to be a real hit, despite its controversial subject matter.

“So, like, I was really against these deportations in the beginning because I think it’s unfair to classify most of the people crossing the border aa criminals because they’re just trying to create a better life, and the real problem lies with flaws in our immigration system,” said Ken Wolfenstein, a concerned citizen. “But I have to admit, Maury is a master of creating suspense and damn it, it just makes for really good T.V.”

And Wolfenstein is not alone. According to the early ratings, 54% of Americans are now willing to forget about the inevitable rise in the cost of living caused because of these mass deportations if the government continues putting out this must-see T.V. That percentage is lower than GOP strategists would have liked at this point, but many expect those numbers to rise in the coming days and weeks.

“Obviously, we want 100-percent approval ratings, but we know there’s always going to be a few sticks in the mud who think providing these illegal criminals with some shred of human dignity is the right thing to do,” said Leo Wagner, senior political analyst at the GOP thinktank, Ahnenerbe. “But I’m confident approval ratings with skyrocket once we premiere the episode where we shift from deportations to work camps. Whoops … spoiler alert.”

Maury isn’t the first celebrity to join ICE on their raids. Doctor Phil was also seen recently attempting to regain some relevancy by joining ICE agents on the streets of Chicago to talk to immigrants about their daddy issues. Unfortunately, Phil’s ratings didn’t help much as most Americans have lost confidence in the T.V. therapist after he admitted he wasn’t a real doctor in Scary Movie 4.

“We really like Dr. Phil because he’s very clearly taken to our agenda,” said Wagner. “Unfortunately, he sold his credibility when he opted to participate in a sequel movie. Only desperate people appear in sequels and the American people know that. He does, however, still maintain strong influence over the easily manipulated Baby Boomer generation, so we may keep him around a little while longer. We’ll see.”

New episodes of Maury: On ICE premiere every Thursday night on Fox News Channel.