DOGE sells everyone’s personal data to payoff Musk’s Twitter debts

WASHINGTON D.C. – Pseudo President Elon Musk’s Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE), the make-believe government organization run by the Nazi-saluting billionaire wannabe president, sold the massive amount of American taxpayer information it commandeered during its hostile takeover of the U.S. treasury to pay off the $44 billion loan Musk took out to buy Twitter in April 2022.

The decision to heist the world’s wealthiest nation appears to be motivated by the pissed off creditors who loaned Musk the money, who’re concerned about their investment after he shit on one of the world’s most popular IPs, driving its value down 80%.

“I admit we, like so many others, were fooled by Elon’s facade of genius,” said Frank Hill, a senior investor at Stanley Morgan. “We helped him buy this pet project of his for $44 billion and its now worth little more than $9.4 [billion]. Our investors want answers and we intent to hold Mr. Musk’s foot to the flame until we get results.”

Those results came by financing Donald Trump’s second rise to power under the promise he could help refine government spending. Since then, Musk has (possibly illegally) smashed through the government with a wrecking ball and installed some young adults without any security clearances or government experience at the treasury department to install backdoor software and download the department’s entire database of sensitive information on a private server, possibly creating one of the largest security risks in our nation’s history.

“Looking back on it, allowing a private citizen who has known debts to foreign investors have untethered control of our nation’s check book probably wasn’t the smartest move,” said Pat Gillman, an aide to Senator Susan Collins (R-ME). “We probably should’ve seen this coming.”

But Elon’s grip on the country’s coffers didn’t stop there. With access to every active federal contract, he managed to redivert those contracts into Tesla and SpaceX, giving him a monopoly on military technology fielded to our troops.

According to a leaked memo, Elon plans on forcing every active duty servicemember to receive a Neuralink implant so he can control every Soldier, Sailor, Marine, Airman, and Guardian on the battlefield like a VR version of Call of Duty.

“I loved Enders Game growing up,” said Musk in a tweet. “And now I get to do that shit for real life except the Buggers are terrorists and immigrants. #RichGuyPerks”

Democratic congress members have been extremely vocal about their displeasure of Musk’s apparent proxy-presidentship, but have, thus far, been unable to find a spine strong enough to do anything about it.