DoD “most likely” won’t waterboard migrants in Guantanamo

NAVAL BASE GUANTANAMO BAY – With the first flight of undocumented immigrants being transported for holding at Guantanamo Bay underway, a DoD spokesman has said the military will “most likely” not use waterboarding on the new residents.

Waterboarding is a form of torture in which water is poured over a cloth covering a prisoner’s face and airways, creating the sensation of drowning, that peaked in popularity at Guantanamo Bay during the Global War on Terror.

“We’ve been told time and time again that waterboarding isn’t legal, so we’re definitely, most likely, not going to do it,” said Navy Capt. Jacob Killian, spokesperson for NBGB. “I’ll be honest with you; there’s just too many eyes on this place right now. If this wasn’t such a hot topic for the media, we’d probably let a few of the Sailors and Marines brush up on their skills. But that’s totally not going to happen. Probably.”

The use of water to torture people dates back to the 1500s, but it was really the Americans who perfected the craft as a way to get information out alleged terrorists being held indefinitely without trial at the island prison.

“God, we were so good at getting information out of those assholes,” said Sgt. (ret.) Dan Griffin, a former Military Police soldier who deployed multiple times to Guantanamo between 2003 and 2010. “They would all be like, ‘I’m innocent, I’m innocent,’ but after a few weeks of waterboarding and other psychological trauma, they’d be rattling off grid coordinates to their buddies’ goat-fucking palaces left and right.”

The U.S. military found this particular form of torture so useful, in fact, that until 2007, waterboarding their own servicemembers was an integral part of its Survival, Evasion, Resistance, and Escape (SERE) school to mentally prepare its warriors in case they’re ever caught by enemy forces.

“Look, to prepare for the worst, you need to train for the worst,” said Lt. Col. (ret.) Ryan Jackson, a former SERE school instructor. “Our boys down at GITMO were the best of the best at extracting information from terrorist scum. So, of course we’d do the same to our own troops. That way, enemy torture felt like nothing but pathetic child’s play.”

The Obama administration banned the use of waterboarding and other advanced interrogation techniques in 2009. It’s highly debated whether or not the harsh technique has ever produced any real, credible results. However, most the young men and women stationed in Guantanamo Bay are old enough to have played that one level—you know which one we’re talking about—in Grand Theft Auto V and no one would ever doubt the effectiveness of Trevor’s work.

Although the military has agreed to avoid any torturous interrogation techniques—this time—Killian did say they’d most likely have to use the waterboarding rooms to house the 30,000 or more migrants that the President wants to house there.

“This facility was made for 800 people,” said Killian. “We’re building some new facilities, but that’s going to take time. We just ask our new neighbors to avoid any strange looking devices or stains that look like blood. They’re nothing to be worried about. I promise.”

Humanitarian groups are already working around the clock to try and stop the mass deportations occurring around the country, but at this time, it doesn’t look like anyone with any kind of authority is willing to stand up against the Trump administration with anything other than a strongly worded letter.