FAA replaces safety guidelines with thoughts and prayers

WASHINGTON – With Trump’s ongoing slashing of the federal workforce, resulting in more than 400 people charged with aviation safety let go, the Federal Aviation Administration is tossing out its official safety guideline procedures in favor of a more robust and morally ambiguous “thoughts and prayers” approach to safety.

Chris Rocheleau, the acting director of the FAA, said this new methodology of safety better aligns with the status quo of how the American government deals with problems.

“Ideally, I wish we could hire more air traffic controllers, safety managers, and a good PR team,” said Rocheleau. “But this is the hand we were dealt, so we’re dealing with it. Thoughts and prayers seem to work really well for making people sweep our country’s school shooting problem under the rug, so I’m optimistic it will work well after plane crashes, too.”

Critics of the FAA’s departure from tangible safety practices has many people concerned about the overall current state of American aviation safety, especially after seeing the horrifying video of Delta Flight 4819 in Toronto and the midair crash between a military UH-60 Blackhawk helicopter and American Airlines Flight 5342 in January—the first in-flight collision in almost 20 years.

Critics of those critics, however, are quick to point out that aviation accidents were at historic lows in January, a clear indication that the FAA will be just fine with fewer people on the payroll.

“You can’t blame Trump for all these plane crashes because there are less now than under Biden,” said Lance Pill, a random guy on the internet. “There have been fewer plane accidents since Trump came back than all four years Sleepy Joe was in office. Think about that for a second. The only reason it looks like there’s more plane crashes now is because the evil mainstream media is talking about it more. They should be talking more about how firing the gays and blacks from the FAA is making air travel safer.”

While critics of the critics who’re critical of the critics agree there have been a historically low number of aviation mishaps this year, they warn that reducing the manpower responsible for safety won’t make things any better. If anything, things will get much, much worse.

“The FAA has been doing an incredible job reducing aviation safety risks while understaffed,” said Chad Whitworth, an aviation safety consultant. “Those men and women deserve all the praise they’ve gotten, but you can’t reward their tireless work by firing them. Where’s the logic in this? It’s the same mentality of giving your hardest workers more work because they did it so well. Except in this instance, doing your job well gets you fired. What message does that send to our workforce?”

Despite the layoffs and firings, Rocheleau insists it’s safer to fly now than ever before. His words of encouragement, however, appear to be falling on deaf ears.

“Look, I love to travel, but with everything going on, I’m not going to put my family’s life at risk because some dude in a suit is waving his hands over here while planes are crashing over there,” said David Ross, a Delta frequent flyer. “I’ll just drive everywhere, I guess. Or maybe I’ll just stay at home and eat Doritos while sitting in my bubble of despair as I doomscroll social media, watching my country fall in real time.”

President Trump is doubling down on his reassurance of his slimmed down version of the aviation safety community by telling Boeing he wants two new Air Force One jets as soon as humanly possible. The planes were commissioned in 20118 and were meant to be delivered last year, however, they have been delayed, sparking outrage from King Trump, first of his name, leader of the “free” men, and liberator of the woke agenda.

Boeing CEO Kelly Ortberg recently stated that she is working with Trump’s concubine, Elon Musk, to get at least one of the planes delivered by next year. Musk, who has repeatedly said he thinks the government should do away will all regulations, insists a deregulated market will help the aviation giant meet their deadlines more efficiently.

“Regulations get in the way of progress,” said Musk. “Why are we spending so much time and money having these bureaucrats dictating what a company can and cannot do? It doesn’t make sense. If we get rid of these ridiculous regulations, Boeing, and every other company I’ll remind you, will be able to produce product faster.”

Experts warn that deregulating the government could put our country back generations in terms of the safety and wellbeing of the workforce.

“Could Boeing produce more planes if they didn’t have to adhere to safety regulations? Sure,” said Galvin Cox, a workplace safety lawyer. “But here’s something you need to understand, safety regulations were not made for the sake of being made. They were made because workplace conditions were causing workers to be injured or, in severe cases, killed. They were also made because faulty products injure and kill the consumer. Getting rid of regulations will result in more meaningless and preventable deaths.”

We reached out to Boeing for additional comment, but their PR team was too busy preparing for the fallout of their projected $4 billion quarterly loss.