Trump says the Constitution is unconstitutional

WASHINGTON – In his latest effort to consolidate power and bypass the pesky bureaucracy and legal norms standing in the way of his vision for a “great” United States, President Donald Trump signed an executive order today declaring that the Constitution is unconstitutional.

Congressional experts warn the president is attempting to delegitimize the foundation of our nation’s government in order to create an autocratic dictatorship, but White House staff insist it’s the president’s wish to streamline the government to make it more effective.

“We understand that it looks like President Trump is trying to overthrow our government and establish himself as a king or dictator to the pathetic woke leftist mob, but what he’s actually doing is great for our country,” said White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt. “The Constitution is over 200 years old and it’s painfully obvious the founding fathers couldn’t predict the unprecedented world of woke culture we’re living in today. The United States and the world, in fact, need someone like Donald Trump to shake up the ridiculous ideologies the Biden and Obama administrations have spread across our once great nation. So, moving forward, until a new constitution can be written, we will be referring to our Heavenly Father’s guidance and dictate the rule of law as it states in the Book of Exodus.”

Leavitt also said, any heathens unfamiliar with the word of God can pick up a copy of the only authorized Bible under the Trump administration, God Bless the USA Bible, online for only $59.99 plus tax. The most recent edition features a handwritten chorus to Lee Greenwood’s hit patriotic song, God Bless the USA, a Trump-friendly version of the Constitution (until a new one can be ratified), the Bill of Rights, the Declaration of Independence, the Pledge of Allegiance, and a proposed new Pledge of Fealty to the President. Also, for only $399 more, you can get the Bible rubber stamped with President Trump’s signature.

Democrats have been very vocal about their displeasure with how President Trump has been pushing the limits of his executive power ever since he came back into office on January 20th, warning that if dramatic action isn’t taken soon, the democratic standards our nation was founded on will be gone.

“What’s truly remarkable is that we’re witnessing first-hand the literal destruction of our country’s fundamental principles and people are cheering for it,” said Dan Ripley, a Democrat strategist. “This isn’t even a question of left versus right anymore, it’s a question of, whether or not you’re going to toss your morals and freedom away for a chance to get down on your knees and suck Trumps tiny orange shlong.”

Trump’s devout followers, however, are quick to point out that this has nothing to do with the size of his penis, but the fact he is following through on his promises to “Make America Great Again.”

“Look, the libtards are just mad because Trump has done more to make our county proud to be red, white, and blue again in three weeks than Biden did in four years,” said Ronald Patrick, an avid MAGA hat collector. “Sure, maybe the cost of groceries is going up, and inflation is increasing again, and he’s gutted our health and science research funding with avian flu and measles running rampant, and our allies hate us, and his tax plan hurts the lower and middle class while giving insane tax breaks to the top one-percent, and planes are falling out of the sky pretty much every day after he fired the people at the FAA in charge of safety, and his DOGE people leaked classified information online and don’t have enough experience to properly secure their databases from hackers. But you know what? This is called ‘growing pains’. Eventually, once Trump gets rid of all the dumb congress people and judges telling him he can’t do things, the U.S. of A will be the greatest country in the world again.”

Legal experts say Trump will face a steep legal battle in the days and weeks ahead in regard to this most recent executive order, however, with a Republican-led Congress and Supreme Court, it’s very possible he may just get his way. This is, of course, not an indication that he actually has the legal right to do any of this, but rather, proof that the Republican party has lost their collective spine when it comes to putting country above party.

“You know it’s a cold day in hell when the GOP congress person with the toughest spine is Mitch McConnell, and I know a thing or two about cold days,” said Barry Wallace, a meteorologist and political pundit for a small news outlet in Sheboygan, Wisconsin. “Maybe the docs fused a few iron bars into his back after falling down the stairs for the hundredth time.”

It’s unclear exactly what lies in store for the country if Trump is allowed to move forward with nulling the Constitution, however, if the past three weeks are evidence of anything, you can expect some really dumb and frivolous name change and new laws that benefit the wealthiest Americans while destroying the working and lower classes.