DOGE moves treasury funds to Musk’s personal bank account for safe keeping

WASHINGTON – In an attempt to keep the U.S. Treasury Department’s bankroll safe from malicious activity, such as funding Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion initiatives, the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) has transferred its entire coffer to Elon Musk’s personal bank account for safe keeping.

According to the Treasury Department’s website, the U.S. government had collected about $1.5 trillion dollars in the 2025 fiscal year, so far. That money, now under Musk’s control, technically makes the tech bro the first trillionaire in human history.

“DOGE has successfully audited the U.S. treasury and found that the government is wasting trillions of taxpayer dollars on wasteful things, like childhood cancer research, food stamps, and low-income community development,” said Musk. “It’s obvious the U.S. government cannot be trusted with people’s money. Transferring the treasury’s funds to a privatized bank account will allow DOGE to better spend the money on things the taxpayers want, like SpaceX and Tesla contracts.”

Like with most of the actions Musk and DOGE have taken in their dismantling of our government, Democrats, constitutional lawyers, people with common sense, and literally everyone outside of the U.S. (except the Russian and Chinese governments), have warned about the dangers of putting the government’s money in Musk’s hands. Republicans, on the other hand, have praised the billionaire for his savvy business sense.

“Look, off the record, I totally get that we’re the bad guys in this situation,” said an aide to Speaker Mike Johnson, who spoke to us on the condition of anonymity. “But we’re looking long-term here. If we don’t want to be on the next flight to Guantanamo or Venezuela, we need to fall in line to Fuhrer Trump’s plan quickly.”

Sources close to the DOGE team said Co-Presidents Musk and Trump are playing with the idea of taking 20% of the money they’ve recouped from cutting back Medicare and veterans benefits and giving it back to the American people as a stimulus. The money, however, will apparently have a caveat attached to it — you can only get paid if you never talk about what the DOGE team is doing, ever again.

“So, what, Little Dick Don didn’t learn his lesson about paying hush money the first time?” said former adult film star Stormy Daniels. “Now he’s trying to pay off the whole country to stop talking about the dumb shit he and his gay lover Elon are doing? Well, let me tell you from experience, no amount of money is worth the grotesque feeling you get cleaning up his mess down the backside of your leg.”

“It’s really important for everyone to understand that this is not hush money,” said White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt. “It’s simply President Trump’s very generous gift to the American public. All we ask is that everyone stops talking negatively about the amazing work Elon and his team are doing eliminating fraud, waste, and abuse in our government.”

Leavitt then admitted in a hot mic moment that anyone found in violation of these terms would be sent to one of R.F.K. Jr’s ADHD work camps.

Lawyers are scrambling to determine the legality of this plan before Elon starts cutting checks because, as we’ve learned through this team’s gross negligence firing and trying to rehire critical personnel, some mistakes are harder to remedy than others.

“I’m not sure anything they’ve done is legal,” said Neil Reilly, a law professor at Yale University. “But I’m also not sure I’m tripping on acid because nothing makes fucking sense anymore.”

To try and put people at ease, President Trump has said Elon won’t be able to spend any of the government’s money without talking to him first, but admits he doesn’t monitor every purchase he makes with his debit card.