Here’s what Alpine 6 Action News did last week

This past weekend, Pseudo-President Elon Musk’s Department of Government Efficiency, or DOGE, sent an email to the entire federal workforce demanding they send him five bullet points about what they accomplished last week. He then threatened to fire everyone who didn’t respond by 11:59 PM Monday evening.

Musk’s latest attempt to dismantle the U.S. government was temporarily thwarted by elected-President Donald Trump’s conglomerate of grossly unqualified department directors, including the DoD, FBI, and National Intelligence, in a surprising holy shit, they did something right moment.

Concerned the power-hungry billionaire would be sad no one responded, average Americans took it upon themselves to send Elon intricately detailed reports about their day, chronicling everything from using the proper TPS report cover sheets to the measurements of their bowel movements.

Inspired by these true patriots, the staff at Alpine 6 Action News also compiled a list of everything they accomplished this past week. Let’s take a look.

Bartholomew Alexander Von Fredericks III

• Regaled the interns about his heroic actions covering the Akland War.
• Poured the perfect glass of scotch.
• Won third place in the 43rd annual Cumberland County chili cookoff competition.
• Applied for White House press pass credentials.
• Sold a kidney to buy a dozen eggs.

Alexis Bedfellow

• Spent approximately four hours each daydreaming of Miley Cyrus, her celebrity crush.
• Shared 8,441 TikTok recipes with her friends and family.
• Listened to Sabrina Carpenter’s newest album, Short n’ Sweet on repeat.
• Binged the latest season of Gray’s Anatomy.
• Tweaked her dream board for her fantasy wedding (to Miley Cyrus)

Crag Donovan

• Ignored the boss by defying his return to office order.
• Downloaded and streamed more than 100 hours of Kenshi on Twitch (and is genuinely curious how he’s not a sponsor … yet).
• Invested more than $1,500 in cosmetics for Helldivers 2 (For Super Earth!)
• Went to his annual physical. The doc basically said he’ll live to be over 120 years old (his doctor had his medical license revoked in 1984).
• Wrote another fan letter to Stephen King.

Dick Hardy

• Watched movies.
• Told us to “fuck off with this ‘list bullshit’ while watching Raging Bull.

Brad, the unpaid intern

• Got everyone’s coffee
• Did everyone’s work and didn’t get so much as a “Thank you” in return.
• Asked to get paid.
• Was denied request for pay.
• Starred out the window of the office, watching two pigeons fighting over a piece of discarded bread, and wondered how the hell some people can’t see that MAGA is a cult.

There you have it, an inside look at how our team of hard-hitting journalists spent their week. We hope you’ll take the time to share all the incredible things you’ve done with Elon and his DOGE team by sending them an email at hr@opm.gov.