Local man gives his last fuck for a half dozen eggs

BURLINGTON, Vt. – A local man has cashed in his very last fuck in order to pay for a half dozen eggs so his wife can make their daughter a cake for her eighth birthday party.

Caleb Smith, 39, had been saving his fucks ever since the fifth grade in the hope they might be worth something someday.

“A lot of people collected Beanie Babies or POGs, but I collected fucks,” said Smith. “I grew up believing that the American Dream even could be achieved if I just had enough fucks to give. Today, I gave away my last one and all I’ve got to show for it is six large brown eggs that’ll be gone almost as soon as I get home. Some American dream this is, huh?”

Although he was disappointed that his collection of fucks is now gone, Smith also said he doesn’t regret spending his last fuck on something meaningful for his daughter.

“In the end, I just want to maintain her innocence from the bullshit in the world for as long as possible,” said Smith. “I would give up a whole hell of a lot more than my last fuck to make my princess happy. But I won’t lie, it is a somber moment. Knowing I probably won’t get to experience the same American dream that my parents and grandparents experienced is a tough pill to swallow. I just hope my generation’s sacrifice will allow our children to be happy and free to be themselves without the crushing burden of predatory student loan debts, unaffordable medical treatments, and forced to give away their last fuck for something as simple as eggs.”

News of Smith’s loss of fucks to give spread quickly around town, with hundreds of friends, neighbors, and even strangers reaching out to offer their condolences and inquire about assisting him and his family during these difficult times.

“Losing your last fuck to give leaves you with a pretty sour taste in your mouth,” said Steve Fallon, 78. “Trust me, I lost my last fuck to give in the hills of North Korea after my buddy Jerry was shot and killed by a band of Gooks that ambushed our patrol. It’s hard to deal with at first, but trust me, life is so much better when you let go and can no longer give a fuck. It’ll take time, but he’ll get there.”

“It’s really touching that he gave his last fuck away for his daughter’s sake,” said Isabella Matthews, one of Smith’s neighbors. “I’d happily give the family some of my fucks to make it through the winter, but I’m afraid I, too, have no more fucks to give.”

As it turns out, there aren’t a lot of fucks to be found in Smith’s hometown. And, as concerning as that may be, it turns out this epidemic of fucklessness isn’t confined to this small New England city. According to Dr. Turner Radbottom, a sociology professor at the University of Ohio who has been studying the rapid decline of fucks in America, the entire country is in a critical fuck shortage.

“If you’ve noticed a significant increase in the amount of people who just don’t give a fuck about anything in the last few years, you’re not alone,” said Radbottom. “We’ve been studying the reservoir of fucks in our country and they’re critically low. My biggest fear is that in the next few years our nation’s reserve of fucks will be dry, if we don’t take immediate action.”

Radbottom’s research suggests that the significant rise in fuck loss is due to unregulated fuckflation, a term he coined to quantify the increase of fucks needed to deal with natural or manmade events.

“The value of a fuck used to go a long way,” said Radbottom. “You’ll probably hear Boomers talk about taking pride in their work and whatnot. That’s just old people speak for giving a fuck. That generation really loved to give a fuck about everything, to the point where they’ve flooded the market with fucks, tanking their overall value. This means Gen X, Millennials, and Gen Z fucks aren’t worth a damn and they’re now burdened with needing to give more fucks just to equal the value of a single fuck given by the Boomers.”

The fuck market is so bad right now, in fact, that Radbottom believes if something isn’t done in the next few months, Gen Alpha kids will be born without a single fuck to give, which could spell economic and political disaster for the United States. However, he also said there’s still time to turn things around before it’s too late.

“If we can convince our government to invest in programs the working class needs, like affordable healthcare, affordable housing, wage growth, etc., we may be able to ease off the fuckflation and give these hard-working men and women the ability to put fucks in savings again,” said Radbottom. “And, as you probably know, the more fucks the working class has, the more they have to give, which will allow our economy to boom like we’ve never seen it before.”

Radbottom’s call to action appears to have fallen on deaf ears on Capitol Hill. With the government’s gutting of federal workers, increasing inflation, drops across Wall Street, and the cost of living going up, they appear to be moving in the completely wrong direction.

“I don’t think the fuck situation is really all that bad,” said President Donald Trump during a moment with the press during his first meeting with his cabinet. “In fact, I think fucks are at an all-time high. Americans are very happy with what we’re doing. With what Elon [Musk] is doing. We’re making America great again. People may not feel like they have that many fucks to give, but they do. Maybe I need to tariff fucks from Canada and Mexico. Their fucks aren’t as good as American fucks, believe me. A tariff would be good, I think. Let’s do that.”

Trump did not give any further explanation of what kind of tariffs he would impose on our neighbors, or how a tariff would benefit the working class in this situation, given that the American fuck industry has seen record profits in recent years, despite the overall lack of fucks to give by the working class.

“What we’ve seen is that the production of fucks is actually really high,” said Jean Hanson, president of Fuck Around Fuck Company. “The problem is that the demand for fucks is really low at the moment. People seem to just not want to give a fuck about anything, not realizing the second and third order of effects this will have on future generations.”

The Fuck Around Fuck Company has even offered to provide discount fuck services to Congress so that they might stockpile some fucks to give about fuckflation and protecting the working class. The lawmakers have not made any effort to negotiate with Hanson or any of the country’s other top fuck companies for any additional fucks to give for the American people.