RFK Jr. rolls a Nat 1 on charisma check for question about measles outbreak

WASHINGTON – When a reporter asked Robert Kennedy Jr., the secretary of Health and Human Services, how he felt about the news of a young child in Texas who died after contacting measles—a viral infection that was effectively eradicated in 2000 thanks to vaccinations—during President Trump’s first cabinet meeting, the 71 year old pulled a D-20 die from his pocket and rolled it across the table for a charisma check.

The plastic icosagon tumbled across the table, bumping into some folders and knickknacks his fellow cabinet members brought to the meeting, before coming to a stop. The crowd leaned in, only to see a measly one showing on the top side of the die, causing the HHS secretary to fail his check and stumble over his words into one of the worst responses to news of dead kid in recent memory.

“We have measles outbreaks every year … it’s not unusual,” said Kennedy.

The media waited patiently for his next line, a simple expression of sympathy for the family of the ill-fated youngster or a promise that he’ll use his power and authority to examine the cause of this outbreak and ensure the American people that a tragedy like this would never happen again. Instead, they got crickets.

“It’s absolutely horrific what this government is doing to the average American,” said Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY). “The Republican party has demonstrated once again that they will always place profit and power over the needs of the American people. Children are dying. That should be enough of an argument to get the ‘pro-life’ party off their ass to do something. But unless that life on inside a woman’s uterus, they don’t seem to care, and children will continue to die.”

Speaker Mike Johnson condemned AOC’s comments, insisting the Republican party loves all of God’s creations equally (unless they’re gay, trans, black, or Muslim), and that he trusts Kennedy to follow his faith and do what God mandates him to do.

“God has a plan for all of us,” said Johnson. “We hate to see children die, but sometimes that’s God’s will. Sometimes, a child returns to our Lord and Heavenly Father because that’s what’s best for the child. He or she will no longer be burdened by the hardships of the mortal coil. The child will no longer feel pain or sadness. In reality, this measles outbreak is a blessing for these young souls.”

Naturally, this has pissed a lot of parents off—from both sides of the aisle. Many of whom are now standing in long lines at vaccination clinics in hopes they can get their child vaccinated before it’s too late.

“You know, I avoided getting my kids vaccinated because I was told that they were bad for them,” said Shana Gillis, a mother of 6 from Austin. “They’ll cause autism, they said. They’ll make them gay, they said. Well guess what? I’d rather have a gay autistic son than a dead one.”

Unfortunately for Gillis and other parents around the country who’re interested in keeping their children alive, the current administration doesn’t appear to have the health and well-being of the population at the forefront of their agenda.