White House Marine sentries throw blanket party for J.D. Vance after Oval Office embarrassment

WASHINGTON – After a tense exchange in the Oval Office between Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy, President Trump, and Vice President J.D. Vance, White House Marine sentries snuck into the country’s number two’s sleeping quarters, constrained him under his blankets, and beat him with socks filled with soap as he slept in what is commonly referred to as a “blanket party”.

Someone close to the situation explained that the Marines felt the Vice President, who served in the Marine Corps himself, had suffered a “serious malfunction” and required remedial action.

“Anyone with a pair of eyes could see how jacked up that situation was,” said a Marine sentry who spoke to Alpine 6 Action News on the condition of anonymity. “I joined the Marines to uphold the constitution and protect our country from enemies foreign and domestic. Vance took that same oath of enlistment, but what I witnessed in that room was an embarrassment to our country, the U.S. Marine Corps, and the principles on which service members like me try to uphold. This little party was just a little reminder of where he came from and what happens to pogue ass bitches.”

“Honestly, Full Metal Jacket is one of my favorite movies and I’ve always wanted to do a blanket party on someone,” said another Marine, also on the condition of anonymity. “Ten out of ten, would recommend.”

Zelenskyy, who has been leading his country though a war of survival against the Russian military for the past few years, came to Washington to discuss the future of the United States’ support of his nation’s defense and signing a rare minerals agreement. That agreement was supposed to ensure the U.S. would continue to fund Ukraine through military donations and cash options.

“I hope that this document will be the first step to real security guarantees for Ukraine,” Zelenskyy said. “Our people, our children really count on it. And, of course, we count that America will not stop support. Really, for us, it’s very important to support and to continue it. I want to discuss it with details further.”

Cracks began forming in the discussions, however, when Zelensky urged Trump to take a stronger stance against Russian President Vladamir Putin, calling him a “killer” and “terrorist”. He also doubled down on the importance of having the United States back European security contingencies.

But the conversation really started turning sour when Trump turned the discussion about how much aid Europe has given Ukraine, in comparison to the United States, into an unnecessary pissing contest.

“They really gave a lot, Mr. President,” Zelenskyy said.

“They gave a lot — but they gave much less,” Trump replied, without providing details.

“No,” Zelenskyy replies, with a dumbfounded look on his face.

Trump then defended his talks with Putin, where he discussed a peace deal between the two warring nations, without Ukrainian representation.

With tensions rising, Vance, feeling like the oddball third wheel sitting awkwardly on the couch, decided he needed to step in and defend his commander in chief with a verbose GOP talking point assault by randomly blaming former-President Joe Biden for not doing enough to stop the war from beginning in the first place.

Zelenskyy, being a wartime president, wasn’t about to start with moronic finger pointing game that the Trump administration loves to play, leading to a shouting match that resulted in the end of the rare minerals deal, possibly the end of U.S. support for Ukraine, and one of the most embarrassing exchanged to occur in the Oval Office in recent history.

“J.D. Vance really embarrassed himself and the country this afternoon,” said Boris Ivanov, a reporter for TASS, a Russian state media outlet, who was given media access to the meeting between Trump, Vance, and Zelenskyy. “In Mother Russia, pathetic behavior like this would result in your accidental falling from window. The ‘blanket party’ these Marines gave him is soft. Send him to gulag, that will teach him to not be embarrassment.”

According to the White House doctor, Vice President Vance is resting in his private quarters and is expected to make a full physical recovery.

“I’ve seen a lot of towel parties in my life, especially when I was with the Army,” said Dr. Randolf Peterson. “From what I can tell, these Marines went easy on him. I don’t know if it’s because he’s a former Marine himself or because they thought his fragile masculinity couldn’t handle a proper whooping. Either way, he’ll be fine. I hope he just learned his lesson so we’re not revisiting a similar conversation in the near future.”

Alpine 6 Action News reached out to President Trump for comment, to which he simply responded with “so what?” The response was identical to what he allegedly sent a staffer during his attempted coup in 2020 when he learned the angry mob wanted to hang former Vice President Mike Pence.

A White House spokesman said he was joking and that we shouldn’t take what he says so seriously.

A Secret Service spokesman said the vice president’s new callsign will be “Pyle”, in honor of Vincent D’Onofrio’s character, Pvt. Pyle, who was famously beat during a blanket party in the Stanley Kubrick’s Vietnam War masterpiece, Full Metal Jacket.