Vice President JD Vance’s Former Couch Undergoes Syphilis Testing Amid Scandal

WASHINGTON—In a development that has left the nation both bewildered and bemused, Vice President JD Vance’s former couch has confirmed it’s undergoing testing for syphilis.

This revelation follows a late-night phone call from the Vice President, who, according to sources, expressed concerns about their past interactions. The couch, which gained notoriety from Vance’s high school admission essay, has not disclosed the test results but has requested “thoughts and prayers” during this challenging time.

The incident comes on the heels of Democratic strategist James Carville’s suggestion that President Donald Trump be tested for syphilis following a contentious meeting with Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky. Carville’s remarks have sparked a flurry of reactions, leading to unexpected consequences for Vance’s former piece of furniture.

A Late-Night Call Raises Questions

Sources close to the situation report that Vance contacted his former couch in the early hours of the morning. The couch, speaking exclusively to Alpine6 Action News, recounted the conversation:

“He sounded anxious, almost frantic,” the couch revealed. “He asked if I had ever felt … compromised. I reminded him of the countless times I provided support during his late-night study sessions and moments of introspection. But this line of questioning was unprecedented.”

When asked if Vance had reason to be concerned about their past interactions, the couch remained cryptic:

“Let’s just say, our relationship was … close. But some things are better left unsaid.”

The Couch’s Rise to Fame

The couch first entered the public eye through Vance’s admission essay, where he described it as “the silent partner in my journey, bearing the weight of my aspirations and doubts.” While the metaphor was initially praised for its depth, recent events have cast it in a more literal—and controversial—light.

Rumors about the nature of Vance’s relationship with the couch have circulated for months. A satirical social media post falsely claimed that Vance detailed an intimate encounter with the couch in his memoir, “Hillbilly Elegy.” Despite being debunked, the rumor has persisted, leading to widespread mockery and speculation. 

Test Results Pending

The couch has neither confirmed nor denied the results of its syphilis test, opting instead for a plea for privacy: “In these trying times, I ask for your thoughts and prayers. And perhaps a thorough cleaning.”

The Vice President’s office declined to comment on “personal matters,” redirecting inquiries to the Office of Upholstered Affairs.

Political Fallout

The situation has provided ample fodder for late-night comedians and political pundits alike. Jimmy Kimmel, for instance, has humorously referenced the rumors in his monologues, further entrenching the narrative in popular culture.

Meanwhile, Democratic figures have seized the opportunity to lampoon Vance. Senator Elizabeth Warren, during a recent speech, quipped, “Trust Donald Trump and JD Vance to look out for your family? Shoot, I wouldn’t trust them to move my couch.” 

Looking Ahead

As the nation awaits further developments, the couch has expressed a desire to move past the scandal: “I hope to return to a life of comfort and support, free from the spotlight. Perhaps in a cozy reading nook or a quiet living room.”

Whether this episode will have lasting implications for Vice President Vance remains to be seen. For now, the public is left to ponder the complexities of relationships—both human and upholstered.