Hegseth apologizes for text mishap, thought he was messaging the Russians

WASHINGTON – Pete Hegseth, the U.S. secretary of defense, has publicly apologized for a recent mishap in national security after Michael Waltz, President Trump’s National Security Advisor, accidently added Jeffrey Goldberg, editor of The Atlantic, to a private group message where Hegseth openly discussed information about top secret U.S. military operations in Yemen.

According to the apology, which he published on his Twitter profile, he meant to add Andrey Belousov, the Russian defense minister, to the group chat, rather than Goldberg.

“We were just so exciting about dropping some laser guided freedom on to those terrorist assholes, [Waltz] must’ve accidently added the wrong person,” the statement said. “But hey, in the words of Elon Musk, we’re not perfect, we’re going to make mistakes. Whoopsies.”

When pressed, Hegseth said all of this was actually just part of his organization’s attempt to be more transparent than those woke, liberal, American-hating democrats who ran the Pentagon before home.

While supporters of the most unqualified Secretary of Defense in the nation’s history defend the mishap, critics were quick to point out that Republicans—including Hegseth during his time at Fox News—relentlessly roasted Hilary Clinton during the 2016 election for her use of a private email server while serving as Secretary of State.

“So, let me get this straight, if a woman who has dedicated her career to serving this nation uses a private email server, she’s a criminal,” said Dan Gulliver, a political blogger with eight followers, who aren’t his mom. “But if an unqualified white guy accidently shares top secret information to the media, it’s just a whoopsie? Got it.”

Arguably more concerning for national security experts isn’t the actual slip up, but the self-condemning apology that clearly implied that the Defense Secretary is actively sharing our military secrets and strategies with Russia.

“He said he meant to add [Andrey Belousov] to the group chat,” said Connie O’Hare, a senior national security professor at Norwich University. “Is no one else going to talk about that? The Secretary of Defense just basically acknowledged the rumors about this administration’s collusion with one of our biggest adversaries.”

Hegseth has since doubled down on his apology.

“Look, President Trump is all about creating a lasting peace in Ukraine, Isreal, and around the world and I’m just a tool to help achieve his vision of the future,” said Hegseth. “We’re exhausting no avenues toward peace, and including our Russian friends into our top-secret military planning is just one of the many olive branches we’re extending for world peace.”

The Trump administration’s overt friendliness with Russia and blazon criticism of the nation’s allies has caused NATO to begin considering plans to move on from an alliance with the U.S., including buying U.S. weapons and military equipment.

“Many NATO and EU countries prefer U.S. made weapons because no one knows how to kill an enemy like a warmongering tribe like the Americans,” said Raul Gonzalez, a spokesman for the Spanish military. “But Europeans make good weapons, too. Let’s see what happens to the American military industrial complex if we all buy from somewhere else. Their military will be sponsored by Tesla, no doubt.”

Sources close to the situation in Washington are saying that President Trump is not happy about Hegseth’s texting mishap, saying he doesn’t like national secrets spilled to “woke, failing media outlets” like The Atlantic. These same sources said it’s unlikely the president will fire Hegseth over this debacle because “it’s so hard to find good ‘yes’ men these days”, and that he’ll likely just force the Defense Secretary to play without a handicap next time they play a round of golf at Mar-a-Lago.