Trump Administration blame “Group Chat Goof” for classified leak to journalist

In an exclusive interview conducted from a supple, deeply sensual couch made from what Vice President J.D. Vance described as “presidential-grade Corinthian leather,” top Trump administration officials admitted they may have “accidentally” added Atlantic editor-in-chief Jeffrey Goldberg to a Signal group chat containing operational details of imminent U.S. airstrikes in Yemen.

“It was a goof. A prank. A psyop, maybe. Who’s to say,” said Vance, gently rubbing his palms across the deep, inviting divots where the couch’s seams met. “There’s no way we’d be dumb enough to actually include Jeff in something like this. It’s classic misdirection. Like when Trump made Giuliani Homeland Security Coordinator that one afternoon.”

Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth, seated beside Vance and visibly distressed, paused to drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a highball glass of Wawa-branded whiskey. “How the fuck am I supposed to remember who’s in a group chat?” he asked, exhaling slowly through his nose. “Half the time I think I’m texting my wife and it turns out it’s Greg Gutfeld. This is why we flog interns when they fuck up like this. Publicly. In the D.C. Mall. Problem solved.”

The group chat, dubbed “Houthi PC Small Group,” was initially assumed to be a parody or elaborate prank when Goldberg first received the invitation. “There’s no fucking way,” Goldberg told Alpine 6 Action News. “You’ve got to be kidding me. I thought it was one of those bot accounts trying to get me to click a phishing link. Instead, it was Marco Rubio assigning Mike Needham to plan a kinetic strike.”

According to Signal screenshots reviewed by Alpine 6, the messages included phrases like “Nobody knows who the Houthis are,” “If Europe doesn’t remunerate, then what?” and “I just hate bailing Europe out again,” alongside a detailed attack schedule and brief prayer emoji flurry.

“VP: I fully share your loathing of European free-loading. It’s PATHETIC,” Hegseth wrote in one message, before apparently forgetting the context of the conversation and pivoting to a thread about restocking protein powder.

White House officials later confirmed the chat was authentic. “This appears to be an authentic message chain,” said National Security Council spokesman Brian Hughes in a statement. “We are reviewing how an inadvertent number was added. We also want to commend the leadership team for its emoji discipline and commitment to aggressive punctuation.”

In a separate statement, a spokesperson for Vice President Vance emphasized his deep loyalty to the president, adding, “The Vice President and President Trump have spoken since the incident and are in complete agreement that Signal is still easier to use than Slack.”

Despite the fallout, officials defended the platform choice. “Signal is secure. The word ‘encrypted’ is in the description,” said National Security Adviser Michael Waltz, speaking from what appeared to be a Verizon store in Arlington. “We don’t have time to learn how to log into SIPRNet. The Navy said their servers were rebooting or something.”

Pressed on whether this incident could constitute a violation of the Espionage Act, Hegseth deflected. “Look, if we’re going to start calling every accidental text to a magazine editor espionage, we might as well hand the keys to Beijing right now.”

Former administration officials and legal scholars were more circumspect.

“If accurate, this would be the dumbest leak in U.S. military history,” said retired Lt. Gen. Colin “Mumbles” Greer, speaking to Alpine 6 while juggling rotisserie chickens at a Safeway in Bethesda. “Group chats should be for planning bachelor parties, not targeting missile strikes.”

Meanwhile, the couch—an unnamed beige sectional reportedly on loan from Mar-a-Lago’s Billiards Room B—declined to comment but radiated a quiet gravitas throughout the interview. At one point, Vance whispered that he could “feel it listening.”

Goldberg, for his part, removed himself from the chat shortly after realizing the messages were real. “I didn’t want to know anything else,” he said. “Also, they started using GIFs of warships with sunglasses. It was getting weird.”

When asked if Goldberg might face consequences for seeing the classified plans, one senior White House official shrugged. “Honestly, we forgot he was even in there.”