Army Reserve FRG tapped to teach Pentagon senior leaders about OPSEC

LONDONDERRY, N.H. – Family members and friends of Soldiers assigned to the U.S. Army Reserve’s 362nd Mobile Public Affairs Detachment have been tapped by Congress to help teach senior Pentagon and intelligence leaders about the do’s and don’t of Operational Security (OPSEC).

The decision to activate this Family Readiness Group, or FRG, to educate these grown ass men about the importance of keeping sensitive information safe from possible spillage, comes after it was discovered this small band of citizens apparently knows more about how to keep our nation’s secrets out of the hands of the enemy than the men who’re paid to do just that.

“Before our service members deploy or conduct any major movements, the FRG receives an introductory course for family members about how to keep their service members safe by not divulging sensitive information in places where it could fall into the wrong hands, like on social media or in group chats with reporters,” said Maj. Dwayne Durpdiggerton, commander of the 362nd, infamously known as The Deuce. “Apparently our nation’s senior leaders missed that course because, damn, they really fucked up.”

Durpdiggerton also said he has the utmost faith in his FRG to square these leaders away on the fundamentals of OPSEC.

“If anyone can get these people in line it’s our FRG liaison, Sergeant Josey Jones, she’s got to be the most incompetent person I’ve ever met, but has just enough brain cells firing up there in her brain bucket to understand you don’t talk about red-line shit on the green-line,” said Durpdiggerton. “If she gets it, these dudes will definitely get it. If not, fuck, I didn’t realize God made men in that size of stupid.”

The federal employees required to participate in this mandatory training include Vice President J.D. Vance, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth, National Security Advisor Michael Waltz, and several others who have yet to be named.

These individuals are required for remedial training because they allegedly shared top-secret military plans in a group chat using the messaging app, Signal. The U.S. government has explicitly said no federal employee should be using Signal to send official communications.

While their use of the app is damning itself, the fact they accidently added Jeffrey Goldberg, editor of The Atlantic, to the chat before sending classified information is what really put the nail in the proverbial coffin for these gentlemen.

“Didn’t Hegseth and Vance serve in the military? Shouldn’t they know better?” asked Sharon Willis, a concerned citizen. “Maybe it’s not an issue of not knowing. Perhaps it’s pure incompetence. Would that make them DEI hires? Shouldn’t they fire themselves?”

President Donald Trump has denied any knowledge of the Signal group, saying he prefers to share top secret information with the Vkontakte app or openly on Truth Social.

Critics of this administration hope GOP lawmakers will hold the same level of contempt for everyone involved in this blatant breach of national security as they had for Hillary Clinton and her use of a private email server, but know they won’t.

“You’re assuming a lot if you think my colleagues will show any sign of having a spine to put country above party,” said Secretary of State Marco Rubio, who was also involved in the Signal group chat. “But they don’t, so at least we’ve got that going for us right now.”

Rubio also said he and the rest of Trump’s cabinet have started a new, private Ventrilo server to discuss future military operations, share dank memes, and play ‘Kiss, Marry, Kill’ with young White House interns.

This is a developing story. Make sure to follow Alpine 6 Action News for updates.