National Treasure 3 taps Nicolas Cage to steal Declaration of Independence again

HOLLYWOOD – Walt Disney Studios has announced the next installment of the National Treasure franchise will feature Benjamin Gates (Nicholas Cage) and his ragtag team of historical thieves stealing the Declaration of Independence from ne’re-do-wellers once again.

Sean Bean is also slated to return as treasure hunter Ian Howe, who has nefariously infiltrated the White House after conning the American people into electing him president under the alias Ronald Crump, a billionaire real estate mogul and reality TV host.

“I know the premise sounds kind of ludicrous, but that’s what happens when you run out of ideas but want to cash in on a popular franchise,” said Daria Cercek, president of Disney’s live-action division. “Look what happened to Indiana Jones, he went from fighting Nazis to finding ancient aliens. It’s dumb, and it doesn’t matter if it nosedived the franchise, people still bought tickets. That’s the kind of energy we’re hoping to bring to this National Treasure movie and the six more we have in pre-production.”

According to leaked snippets of the alleged script, Howe—a felon who’s still resentful towards Gates for taking the fall when he stole the Declaration of Independence—cons the American People into electing him to the nation’s highest office and orders the National Archives to move the Declaration from its permanent display at the National Archives to the Oval Office.

In order to rub his victory in his rival’s face, Howe invites Gates, Abigail Chase (Diane Kruger), and Riley Poole (Justin Bartha)—who have been living abroad—to the White House for a private meeting with the president. Upon seeing their ex-partner behind the Resolute Desk, Gates and crew begin hatching a larger-than-life and realistically impossible plan to steal America’s break up letter to England away from Howe and his cronies in the secret service.

“This might be the dumbest script I’ve ever read, and I’ve done a lot of really dumb movies,” said Bartha. “Of course I’m going to do it. I can’t wait to get the whole crew back together again. Nick still owes me ten bucks.”

Critics of the movie’s alleged plotline say it too closely resembles the absurd real-life timeline we’re living in now.

“Trump is a convicted felon and just had a copy of the Declaration of Independence moved to the Oval Office,” said Ryan Zimmerman, a movie critic. “I know they say life imitates art, but this is too on the nose. Bean’s alias in the movie is Ronald Crump, for crying out loud. Are there any unique voices in Hollywood these days?”

“Isn’t Bean British,” asked Peter Cunningham, someone who thinks too much about the plausibility of movie plots. “How the hell are we expected to believe the American public would elect a Brit as president when half the country wants to deport anyone who doesn’t speak English?”

Cercek rejected the notion that this movie’s entire plot is ripped directly from this dumpster fire reality we find ourselves in.

“These allegations are preposterous,” said Cercek. “Next you’re going to tell me our upcoming movie about a deadly virus escaping from a lab in Wuhan, China before causing an unprecedented global pandemic is about COVID-19.”

The movie is titled, Coronavirus 19.

Little more is known about this next installment of the National Treasure franchise other than you can expect it to go straight to Blu-Ray, DVD, and VHS later this summer.