Vance Deeply Troubled by Meme Onslaught, Finds No Solace in Fresh Eyeliner

WASHINGTON – A visibly distraught Vice President J.D. Vance has reportedly spent the better part of the week in emotional disarray, sources say, overwhelmed by what he describes as a “cruel and unprecedented wave of internet slander,” mostly in the form of memes portraying him with a distorted “weird baby face.”

“These aren’t even the funny kind,” Vance muttered Tuesday from beneath a pile of government-issued fleece blankets in the Eisenhower Executive Office Building. “They made me look like a haunted Gerber baby. And not in a fun, vintage way. In a Mean Girls way.”

The memes, which began circulating after Vance’s recent televised remarks on corn subsidies, have only intensified in both volume and surrealism. One widely shared image shows the vice president’s face crudely photoshopped onto a ruffled Victorian pram with the caption “Lil’ JD Just Wants a Tax Credit.”

In an effort to boost morale, the administration’s recently appointed Secretary of Upholstery, Marla Finnings—whose role remains poorly defined despite an annual budget of $2.3 million—purchased three shades of “emotionally stabilizing” eyeliner from a boutique in Dupont Circle.

“We tried ‘Smoky Aggrievement,’ then moved to ‘Moody Pewter,’ but honestly he only stopped sobbing when we got to ‘Iron Resolve #4,’” said Finnings, holding up a travel pouch labeled “Crisis Glam Kit.”

Vance reportedly applied the eyeliner in slow, ceremonial fashion before whispering, “For the Republic,” and then re-submerging into his cocoon of throw blankets. Officials say he emerged only once to sadly delete a tweet captioned “Y’all think this is a game??” beneath a GIF of himself being edited into a diaper commercial.

President Trump, when asked about his second-in-command’s current condition, shrugged. “Look, JD’s doing great. Some of the best memes, quite frankly. People are talking about them. Trending in a way I’ve never seen before. That’s called reach.”

In a bold escalation, Vance has now directed Finnings to lead a new campaign titled “Operation No Hurtful Ha-Ha’s,” which seeks to ban all memes that hurt the vice president’s feelings. The initiative is expected to involve an independent commission, a dedicated hotline for emotional reporting, and, according to leaked documents, a “National Registry of Unflattering Filters.”

“Freedom of speech is important,” Vance clarified in a written statement, “but freedom from being compared to a sentient Garbage Pail Kid is more important right now—for national security.”

Finnings, who has no previous experience with digital policy or emotional regulation, says she’s up for the challenge. “We’ve drafted preliminary legislation, and I’ve already test-piloted a new federal label: Emotionally Hazardous Meme Content (EHMC). We’re hoping to mandate disclaimers like ‘May cause Vice Presidential sadness.’”

At press time, the vice president was seen quietly scrolling on a cracked iPad Mini, sighing as he encountered a new meme titled “Wittle VP Needs His Binky.” Sources say he then opened his Notes app and began drafting what aides described as a “deeply personal but wildly incoherent” blog post titled My Journey Through Meme War.

No decision has yet been made on whether “Operation No Hurtful Ha-Ha’s” will include drone surveillance of Reddit.