Cybertrucks are the new ‘Punch Buggy’, except you beat the crap out of its driver

NATIONWIDE – Thanks to their unique, eye-catching design, the Tesla Cybertruck has positioned itself to replace the Volkswagen Beetle as the ‘Punch Buggy’—a popular childhood game amongst the Gen Z and Millennial population—albeit with one very minor difference.

The rules of Punch Buggy are simple, if you see a Volkswagen Beetle, you punch the person closest to you and yell out, “Punch Buggy” along with the car’s color.

In this new version of the game, however, when you see a Cybertruck, you yell out “Punch Buggy”, then you and your friends go beat the ever-loving fuck out of the driver of the vehicle.

“Ever since Volkswagen stopped making the Beetle in 2019, I’ve felt like something was missing from my life,” said Franklin Harrison, the 1994 Dunbar Middle School Punch Buggy Champion. “Now, thanks to Elon Musk, his overt love for fascism, and the dumbest looking vehicle to ever hit the road, I feel complete once again.”

Elon Musk has responded to reports of his customers being beaten for driving his vehicles, saying, “these people have already paid for their cars, so I don’t really care. And honestly, if this stops them from firebombing Tesla dealerships, then I’m okay with that.”

Critics of Musk have accused him of being heartless, saying he cares more about profits than the safety and wellbeing of his customers. Meanwhile, countless of his customers, many of whom have fallen victim to rounds of this new Punch Buggy game, say this brash outward display of nonchalance is just one of the things that makes him a genius.

“I just got out of the hospital after spending a month in a coma after being beaten within an inch of my life because I drive a Cybertruck,” said Dan Lemon, who is now paralyzed from his neck down. “But goddamn, if his lack of empathy for anyone who cares or supports him isn’t fucking brilliant, I don’t know what is. Hell, you don’t become the richest man in the world by caring about others. As he said, empathy is America’s greatest weakness.”

Law enforcement agencies around the nation have issued warnings to potential Punch Buggy players that they will face criminal charges if they’re caught beating a Cybertruck driver.

“Look, I know y’all hate Nazis and Elon loves tossin’ them Sieg Heils salutes around like no one ain’t watching, but assault is assault,” said Capt. Ryan Peters, chief of police for San Antonio’s 9th precinct. “Yes, it’s possible Tesla drivers are Nazis, too, like their cult leader, but it’s also equally possible they’ve just the IQ of a potato and that carries an even heavier fine than beatin’ a Nazi. So, do yourself a favor and just flip ’em off like a normal person and carry on about your day.”

Donald Trump has doubled down on his threats against anyone who so much as thinks negative thoughts about Tesla or his BFF Elon, promising to lock up anyone caught playing Punch Buggy at Guantanamo Bay before shipping them to a Venezuelan prison without due process.

According to our sources on the street, the threat of deportation isn’t going to stop many angry Americans from indulging in this nostalgic game if they’re given the opportunity. However, for the sake of full disclosure, Alpine 6 Action News does not condone acts of violence against unarmed citizens.