Oswald Cobblepot warns Trump will rue the day he crossed the penguins

GOTHAM – Local mobster and Batman nemesis Oswald Cobblepot, better known as The Penguin, had a dire warning for President Donald Trump following his announcement of sweeping tariffs that will even affect every nation on Earth, including Heard and Mcdonald Islands, two remote, barren rocks near Antartica whose only inhabitants are a small population of penguins.

“If the President of the United States knows what’s good for him, he will eliminate the tariffs on those islands immediately,” said Cobblepot from his Arkham Asylum prison cell. “Or else he will rue the day he crossed the penguins.”

These islands, which are only accessible via a two-week boat voyage originating from Australia’s West coast, have been untouched by humans in nearly a decade, leaving many people wondering, what the fuck are they exporting that requires a tariff?

While the inclusion of these islands may seem like a clerical oversight, the Trump administration says the penguins inhabiting these islands are nefarious, as evident by Cobblepot’s insidious threats.

“The president doesn’t trust penguins,” said White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt. “And how can you blame him? Penguins don’t fly. Birds are supposed to fly. Something’s going on here and the president is going to find out what it is and put a stop to it.”

In response to this newly developed phobia of flightless birds, Trump has ordered Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth to put together a team of alpha males, aptly named the A-Team, to go to Heard and Mcdonald islands to find out exactly what’s going on down there.

According to the Signal chat Hegseth accidently added us to, the A-Team HALO jumped from an Air Force Special Forces C-130 aircraft at 0230 this morning. Opened their shoots at 0240 and made landfall at 0245.

From there, the soldiers scoured the barren landscape looking for the evil penguin lair. At 0315, they made contact, engaging in a one-sided firefight that lasted a total of three minutes.

“These guys are the best of the best,” said Hegseth. “They went in, killed everything, and did it all without worrying about rules of engagement or other DEI bullshit like that. Hooah. Semper Fi. Suck on deez nuts penguins.”

According to satellite footage acquired by Alpine 6 Action News, it appears the entire penguin population of both islands has been systematically eliminated, raising even more concerns by the world community about the recklessness of the current American administration.

“Those penguins were just living their lives,” said Australian Prime Minister Anthony Albanese. “The Trump administration is out of control.”

In typical fashion, however, Trump officials have denied any wrongdoings and have immediately attempted to gaslight the rest of the world into believing whatever twisted reality is playing out in the 78-year old’s mind.

“The Australian Prime Minister wants you to believe that these were just harmless penguins but that simply isn’t true,” said Leavitt. “President Trump has said these penguins are dangerous and you should believe everything he says because he says everything he says is true and I believe him.”

Following the raid, and a fifth of vodka, Hegseth issued a press release with additional information regarding the raid

It read, “At 0400, not 0315 like my Signal messages said (go ahead and try to tell me it was an OPSEC violation this time, assholes), an elite force of white, heterosexual soldiers eliminated a dangerous gang of penguins on Heard and Mcdonald islands. Upon further investigation, we discovered many of the penguins were in possession of tiny rocks, like pebbles, that we’re confident were actually some kind of dangerous, illegal street drug. More specifically, we believe these are the drug dealers working for the Biden cartel, who’re obviously behind the opioid epidemic in this country.”

While half the country read this statement with utter bewilderment, the other half were quick to praise the president and defense secretary over on Truth Social.

Meanwhile, Cobblepot escaped from Arkham Asylum, leaving behind a hastily scribbled note vowing the revenge of his fallen comrades.