Trump imposes 20% tariff on Middle Earth, Westeros, and the Mushroom Kingdom

WASHINGTON – Spokespersons from the realm of Middle Earth, the continent of Westeros, and the Mushroom Kingdom have broken their silence about the tariffs President Donald Trump has imposed on their imported commodities as part of his sweeping tariff plan to ruin longstanding alliances and fuck over the working class.

“Middle Earth has had a friendly trade partnership with the United States for decades,” said Aragorn, son of Arathorn and King of Gondor and Arnor. “It was a long and fruitful friendship, but I’m afraid the tides are shifting, and the ruler of free men can no longer be called a friend. I sense dark times lie ahead and I’ve called upon our allies in the realm of Elves and Dwarves to rally their banners and stand with Gondor against this rising threat to Middle Earth.”

Cersei Lannister, queen of the Seven Kingdoms, Light of the West, and Lady of Casterly Rock, has echoed Aragorn’s displeasure with the United States’ blanket tariffs on all exports from her kingdom.

“President Trump tempts his fate by playing the Game of Thrones and the fool has already shown his hand,” she said. “He may shower his acolytes with honeyed words, but the people of Westeros are not as foolish as the fly. If it is war he desires, it is war he will get, whether by land, sea, or trade.”

Another land that seemed equally confused by the President’s decision to slap tariffs on their imports was the Mushroom Kingdom, who hasn’t conducted trade with the United States in years. The superpower and superstar power have been at odds ever since the American animal rights group, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA), mocked the Mushroom Kingdom’s fabled hero in order to promote their anti-fur campaign.

“I’m not exactly sure what President Trump is trying to get out of these tariffs,” said Princess Peach, ruler of the Mushroom Kingdom. “Perhaps he just doesn’t have the intelligence to understand our nations are not trade partners, nor do we wish to be. But his actions are hurting many of our friends up-and-down the rainbow road and we don’t like that very much. Perhaps it’s time Bowser and I put our personal differences aside for a short while and show Earth Realm what the Mushroom Kingdom is capable of. I’m sure it’s been a while since the Koopa Troopas and Goombas have tasted human blood. They must be hungry.”

President Trump, taking a short break from golfing at his Mar-a-Lago golf course to eat a Big Mac, said he isn’t concerned about the threats these fictional lands are making against him and the United States.

“You have to be a special kind of stupid to threaten the United States,” said Trump. “Pete Hegseth is kicking out the tens of transgender soldiers in our military, so we’ve already got the greatest military in the world. No little mushroom powers or armies of Uruk-hai can withstand the awesome power of our sword bombs.”

When pressed about the growing concern from other nations, both real and imaginary, who’ve attempted to use logic to try and explain the fundamentals of tariffs, how they work, and how they’ll create economic hardships for both Americans and foreign citizens, White House Press Secretary doubled down on the rhetoric that Donald Trump is a knowledgeable businessman.

“The President is simply looking to level the playing field for America,” said White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt. “For far too long, the nations of this planet have taken advantage of the United States. President Trump isn’t going to allow us to be the laughingstock of the world any longer. These tariffs will not only make America great again, they’ll keep America great.”

Just one day after the tariffs took place, global economists are skeptical about MAGA’s interpretation of their spray-tanned deity’s views on tariffs, claiming his unprecedented tariffs are destined to raise inflation and create financial hardship for many Americans.

“This was really fucking dumb,” said Zach Victorino, an independent economist. “He ran on a ticket to save people money. He’s now going to make things more expensive than ever. Of course, we tried to tell you Kamala’s economic plan was better, but you didn’t listen to us. I hope you’re happy.”

Of course, it’s too early to tell how Trump’s tariff-focused economic plan will pan out for America, but if it’s anything like any other point in history, we know it’s all downhill from here.