POLL: Most Americans would prefer the Penguin Empire over whatever the fuck this is

A recent Alpine 6 Action News poll has discovered that an overwhelming majority of Americans would rather bend the knee to the penguins of Heard and Mcdonald Islands than spend another day in the growing autocratic dictatorship of Donald Trump.

An internet feud has been broiling between the United States and the uninhabited islands belonging to the Australian Government ever since Trump imposed a 10% tariff on all imports from the penguin nation. It was a decision that sane and insane people alike have questioned.

“Our country has attempted to do massive, sweeping tariffs three times in the past and they all resulted in worsening economic conditions for our nation,” said Steve Gould, an economist. “Why he thinks this time will be different is anyone’s guess. My advice to you all is go get in the bread lines now before it’s too late and there’s no more bread.”

Of the 10,000 poll participants, 9,980 said they have more confidence in the penguins than they do of the president and his administration. The main drivers behind this loss in confidence is the president’s apparent intention to crash the stock market and send the United States into a recession, if not a depression, as well as the threat of rising interest rates and the increase in prices of everyday items. The other 20 were Russian troll bots.

“I voted for Donald Trump because he said he’d make things more affordable on day one,” said Yasmine Racimir, a lifelong conservative. “We’re now on day 75 and the stock market is hemorrhaging value, he’s alienated all of our allies in his stupid trade wars, and his tariffs are threatening to make the things I buy every day more expensive. So yeah, I’d rather pledge allegiance to some empire penguin near Antarctica than to this emperor wannabe.”

It should be noted, however, that not everyone in this country thinks we’re heading toward the economic catastrophe that all the experts believe we’re destined for, if things don’t rapidly change in the near future. Ryan Dumas, a mud collector from Southern Alabama, is a right-wing influencer on TikTok who has gained a significant following for his hard-to-understand rants that viewers believe are in support of the president’s agenda.

“My mud business has been booming ever since President Trump, our lord and savior, has returned to power,” said Dumas, as translated by Stacy Wheeler, Alpine 6 Action News’ Redneck interpreter. “He’s deported all my competition, and all my money is safely stored in a tube sock under my momma’s bed because you won’t see me storing my money in those Jew banks or anything. Long live Trump and God bless America.”

Yesterday, hundreds of thousands of people rallied around the country in protest against President Trump and billionaire Elon Musk, leader of the Department of Government Efficiency, or DOGE, because of their alleged abuse of power. While many of these groups demanded the administration be held accountable for their actions in dismantling many critical government organizations, a fringe group of protestors championed for the idea of replacing Donald Trump with the Emperor Penguin Lord Gustav McPuffinFace.

“McPuffinFace is the perfect example of what leader looks like,” said Dan Francis, a pro-penguin protestor. “He goes above and beyond to make sure his penguins have what they need to survive comfortably. He doesn’t cater to the wealthiest penguins, and he doesn’t slap ridiculous, unnecessary blanket tariffs on every other nation on the planet because he thinks his island is being treated unfairly.”

Francis then went on a forty-five-minute rant about how the United States has a consumer economy and that it makes sense we often buy more from other countries than they buy from us—about how we can’t possibly make everything in our country for logistical and ecological reasons. And he wrapped up, shortly before passing out from hyperventilating, passionately describing how the entire “America first” line of thinking completely overlooks the commonsense picture of a world economy and how driving a divide between us and other nations will force them to consider using a different nation’s currency to drive trade, leading to the collapse of the American empire.

President Trump, who is normally unphased by naysayers, told the press that he heard the protestors loud and clear and is determined to do everything in his power to make sure he can’t hear them again.

“I was trying to golf at my beautiful golf course down at Mar-a-Lago and all I could hear was the chanting of some very upset people,” said Trump. “It was a beautiful day for golf. One of the best, if I’m honest. But that was all ruined by all that noise. It really ruined the day. People should know better. It’s hard to putt when people are screaming and yelling. It really is. I still managed to win the tournament, though. But I can’t help but think those protestors really hurt my competition. I guess they’re not as good at blocking out all the whining.”

Although there doesn’t appear to be any legal precedent to make Emperor Penguin Lord McPuffinFace the leader of the United States since he’s a non-citizen and a flightless bird, many people have pointed to President Trump’s own actions to say that the law is a pointless, non-enforceable hurdle in the way of what the people want. In the past 24 hours, more than 300.2 million American citizens have signed a petition for Trump and Vance to vacate the throne and give all executive power to McPuffinFace.

The Emperor Penguin Lord could not be reached for comment.