Alpine 6 Offers to Sell Itself to Bigger Satire Brands for $6.9M; Receives Restraining Order Instead

ALPINE, Ackland (A6AN) — In what some industry insiders are calling “the least coordinated media acquisition attempt since Friendster tried to buy Facebook,” the obscure satirical news outlet Alpine 6 has announced it is offering itself up for sale to any of the following: The Onion, Duffel Blog, The Babylon Bee, or The Borowitz Report — for the oddly specific price of $6,900,000.

The initiative is being led solely by Alpine 6 staff writer and unofficial “Director of Unsolicited Business Deals” Crag Donovan, who has not informed any colleagues or the company’s actual leadership.

“So far no one has taken us up on the offer,” Donovan said in an exclusive interview with himself. “John Oliver has sent me a restraining order after I was waiting outside the Last Week Tonight studio with a duffel bag full of printed Alpine 6 articles and a Subway party platter.”

Representatives from all four satire institutions were quick to confirm that not only would they not consider acquiring Alpine 6, but also that they had never heard of it before receiving a faxed proposal printed on “what we believe to be napkins.”

“We thought it was a prank,” said an anonymous staffer from The Onion. “Someone faxed us 32 pages of headlines like ‘Local Man Unsure If He’s in PsyOp or MLM.’ That was… new.”

A spokesperson for Duffel Blog replied via encrypted email: “We are flattered, but we don’t currently have $6.9 million lying around to buy what appears to be a news site hosted on a homemade Raspberry Pi. Also, we don’t usually negotiate major acquisitions via Hotmail.”

The Babylon Bee issued a brief statement: “We support free markets, even ridiculous ones. But Alpine 6’s valuation appears to be based on vibes and an unhealthy love of the number 69.”

Andy Borowitz, upon being reached for comment, responded simply: “No.”

And John Oliver, who confirmed the existence of the restraining order, said through a representative: “We appreciate satire. We do not appreciate people loitering outside our studios in an ‘Alpine 6 Action News’ windbreaker whispering, ‘We’re the future of fake news.’ We wish them well, just from very, very far away.”

Despite the rejection, Donovan remains optimistic. “Look, we’re not asking for much — just $6.9 million, a new espresso machine, and a guest spot on Hot Ones. Alpine 6 is a sleeping giant. Mostly because we all took NyQuil during our pitch meeting.”

As of press time, the Alpine 6 leadership remained unaware of the sale attempt. Donovan said he plans to break the news “after someone Venmo’s us the down payment.”

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For more fake stories that go nowhere, follow Crag Donovan on Alpine6.com or just check the recycling bin behind your local newsstand.