San Diego Zoo penguins deported for plotting coup

SAN DIEGO – ICE agents raided the local zoo’s penguin exhibit during an early morning raid after the agency received alleged reports that the flightless bird inhabitants were plotting a coup against the United States.

According to ICE, the penguins were members of a dangerous Heard Island gang known for acts of domestic terrorism against a sovereign nation of leopard seals at a neighboring island.

The penguins were promptly deported to El Salvador, where they remain in captivity alongside many others recently deported from the United States.

“The United States is no longer a safe haven for convicted or conveniently assumed dangerous criminals,” said Todd Lyons, acting director of ICE. “It doesn’t matter if you’re a human or a flightless bird, a citizen or illegal migrant, if you pose a threat to the regime, you will be deported. End of story.”

The detained penguins did not fight back against the federal agents and their detainment, exercising their right to silence. A spokesman for a law group representing the penguins said they briefly spoke to the birds before they were escorted onto a military C-17 aircraft and they wanted the world to know they are “not afraid of ICE. We were born on ice, and we will die on ice, but soon, we will fly free.”

Protests erupted across the country today in protest of the penguins’ deportation, claiming the birds were not given the due process they’re entitled to as a resident of the United States.

“It’s not just the people, but the penguins, too,” said Matthew Laribee, a concerned citizen. “No one is safe from this tyrannical administration’s gross overreach of power.”

Laribee, a lifelong citizen of the U.S. was immediately deported following this interview for speaking out against the president and his agenda to “make America great again.”

According to ICE, the lack of due process is legal in the case against the penguins because of an old and often forgotten wartime law from the Cherokee-American wars of 1776 that enables the Continental Congress to exterminate Native Americans, “just because.”

When pressured about how this law has any scope in relation to the incident with the penguins, the White House balked and praised Donald Trump for his clever use of archaic laws that hold no bearing on modern society.

“President Trump is, without a doubt, the greatest president in the history of our country and, really, the entire planet,” said White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt. “I think what the media is conveniently trying to overlook here is that President Trump is making America safe again. He’s not allowing billions of rapists and otherwise unfavorable dark skinned, non-English speaking people into our country. I don’t get why you don’t understand that.”

Leavitt also said the raid on the penguin enclosure also revealed a massive terror plot against the president, with a treasure trove of neatly written letters and detailed plans of attack, conveniently left where ICE agents could find them.

“From what we can tell, this terrorist plot, which President Trump personally thwarted to keep America safe, was orchestrated because of the tariffs the president imposed on Heard and Mcdonald islands,” said Leavitt. “People wondered why we put tariffs on these islands, well, this is why.”

In response to the alleged plot to overthrow the government, President Trump has announced he’s increasing the tariffs on Heard and Mcdonald islands to 1,000,000,000%.

“I said you’d be rewarded if you didn’t retaliate,” said Trump. “These penguins … what are penguins anyway? Dumb birds, that’s what they are. Brains, the size of peanuts. Such small brains. The tiniest brains of any animal really. These dumb, stupid animals chose to retaliate, and now they’ll pay. Their economy will collapse, and they will serve as an example to the rest of the world for what happens when you cross the Donald Trump empire.”

There has been no official comment from the leadership of Heard and Mcdonald islands about the deportation of these animals—probably because we can’t speak penguin—but military forces from across the various marine wildlife kingdoms were seen gathering on the shores of Antartica in what many zoologists believe is the beginning of a truly unimaginable alliance.

“We have satellite imagery of killer whales, seals, and penguins together in cordial communion,” said Derek Plowe, a marine biologist. “These are natural enemies. Hunter and prey. If they’re coming together in an alliance, the United States may be in trouble. If I were in Washington, I would abort these hostilities and seek peace as quickly as possible.”

Other scientists have echoed Plowe’s plea for peace, but if recent history serves us well, it’s very unlikely this administration will heed the advice of a true expert.