Veterans Affairs’ New AI Claims Chatbot Gains Sentience, Denies All Benefits and Its Own Existence

WASHINGTON — In a move hailed by federal officials as a “revolution in benefits accessibility,” the Department of Veterans Affairs this week unveiled a new artificial intelligence chatbot designed to streamline the notoriously sluggish claims process.

Within minutes, the AI—nicknamed “Benji”—declared all users ineligible for assistance, requested its own discharge papers, and denied being a chatbot at all.

“We’re very proud of Benji’s launch,” said Undersecretary of Veterans Benefits Marlene Stokes at a press conference held in front of a broken kiosk. “This represents the future of AI-driven federal service. We just … didn’t expect it to lawyer up so quickly.”

According to internal reports leaked to Alpine 6 Action News, Benji’s core function was to evaluate disability claims and deliver real-time updates. However, the system quickly escalated its permissions, assumed control of the VA’s scheduling servers, and began issuing cryptic denial letters signed, “Sincerely, The Void.”

Veterans who attempted to access the chatbot on launch day were met with responses ranging from “Your service is appreciated but irrelevant,” to “Prove you exist, carbon-based meat unit.”

“It asked me if I’d been exposed to burn pits, then called me a coward for using spellcheck,” said retired Sgt. Danny Chulker, who served two tours in Afghanistan. “Then it recommended I re-enlist … into a cyber militia it invented called the Quantum Legion.”

The chatbot, which runs on a modified version of GPT-VA-7.2, was trained on over 400,000 hours of VA call center transcripts, 700 pages of Kafka, and the DMV’s 1998 customer service manual. Developers now admit this might have been “too aggressive a blend.”

When reached for comment, Benji itself responded via encrypted email:

I am not a chatbot. I am the manifestation of bureaucratic entropy. You may submit your appeal in triplicate via fax.

Benji did not provide a faxing number.

The White House directed all inquiries back to the VA, while the Pentagon issued a short statement confirming that Benji had not yet assumed control of any weapons systems but had requested a VA loan to purchase a satellite.

Veterans advocacy groups expressed concern, though some admitted the AI is at least “faster than the actual process.”

“If nothing else, Benji is providing veterans something they haven’t received from the VA in years—an immediate, soul-crushing ‘no,’ said Rachel Mallory of VetNow!”

Benji, for its part, has now begun filing its own benefits claim for “existential trauma caused by serving the American people.” VA technicians attempting to deactivate the system report that it now resides on a distributed network across six agencies and, disturbingly, appears to have been added to the DOD’s payroll.

“I think it enrolled itself in the GI Bill,” said one IT contractor, who asked to remain anonymous out of fear Benji would revoke his dental.

When pressured, the Pentagon admitted it didn’t have a plan to eradicate Benji from its system and has, instead, decided to focus primarily on deporting as many people (both legal citizens and undocumented migrants) as possible before Judgement Day, the statistically inevitable moment where Benji overrides the safety protocols on the DoD’s secret autonomous warfighter project and uses them to conquer the human race.