Trump considers declaring himself the new Pope

WASHINGTON – President Donald Trump has announced that he is considering executive action to make himself the new head of the Catholic church.

The announcement comes just hours after the Vatican revealed Pope Francis had passed away from a stroke and heart failure. He was 88.

“The Catholics love me,” said Trump. “I think I won something like 200% of the Catholic vote in the last election. I don’t know if I can technically be the new Pope, but I’ll find a way if that’s what people want. Which I’m sure they do. They pray for me, did you know that? They think I’m the savior. The next Jesus Christ. They might be right, you know. The Church was really struggling under Sleepy Joe Biden. Christianity was basically illegal. Not under Trump. We will make Christianity great again.”

Trump also implied that his administration’s acquisition of the Papacy would not only improve the Christian faith worldwide, it would also bolster the safety and national security of American interests, leading many people to believe the president is attempting to create a theocracy in the United States.

“The president clearly doesn’t understand how the succession of the Papacy works,” said Dan Wooden, a professor of theology at Campbell University. “The Vatican isn’t the Kennedy Center of the Arts. He can’t just declare himself leader. The Vatican is a sovereign state, much like Greenland, which he also can’t take just because he wants it.”

The fact the president has no legal claim the Vatican doesn’t seem to be stopping his most loyal devotees from backing the notion of Pope Donald the first.

“I think it’s a great idea to make President Trump the new Pope,” said Paul Ward, a coal miner from South Carolina. “Trump and Jesus have a lot in common, like being white and American. It only makes sense for America to be in charge of the Catholic Church. No more of these woke libtards from foreign countries, if you ask me. They’re all just a bunch of pedophiles who like to touch kids in the no-no places. They might as well have had a transgender drag queen be Pope.”

Normally, when a Pope passes away, the papal conclave convenes to elect the next Pope from a pool of eligible candidates from around the world. The process typically takes several weeks and, according to the Vatican, the candidates to replace Pope Francis include the possibility of the first Asian and first Black Pope.

While the potential for increased diversity in the Vatican excites many progressive Christians, the notoriously anti-DEI Trump administration has already begun smear campaigns against the church in preparation for the president’s “inevitable” attempt at another power grab.

“The Swiss Papal Guard is a bunch of ceremonial pussies and won’t stand a chance against us,” said Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth in a leaked Signal chat group, which included his barber, third-cousin Steve Hegseth, and a random guy named Geoff that he accidently added while downing a bottle of scotch. “EUCOM forces have been put on alert and CENTCOM is ready to assist with C-130 and C-17 airlift support as well as multiple F-35s with itchy trigger fingers.”

This is the third time in the 90 days since Hegseth was sworn in as Defense Secretary that his Signal chats with classified and sensitive war plans have been leaked, leading many people to question is ability to practice safe operational security, or OPSEC, and demand his ouster from the position.

The Trump administration has doubled down on their support of the controversial choice to lead the world’s most powerful military, saying he’s a “really good guy” and “boys will be boys” before pivoting to point fingers at Hilary Clinton and her use of a private email server while serving as Secretary of State under President Barack Obama.

“The media will have you all mad about a couple of text messages sent to the wrong people, it’s pathetic,” said White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt. “Do you remember Benghazi? Because President Trump does and he won’t allow that level of inept behavior in our government. If Pete [Hegseth] did something wrong, he would be gone. But he isn’t so, obviously, he didn’t do anything wrong.”

The timing of Trump’s announcement following the Pope’s death has also raised questions amongst his critics on both sides of the aisle. With Vice President J.D. Vance meeting with Pope Francis just one day before his death, many have wondered whether the Hillbilly Elegy author had something to do with his untimely death.

“Vance and the Pope were at odds about the true meaning of Christianity, for some reason,” said Nora Smith, a liberal conspiracy theorist. “Trump’s MAGA movement meets all the requirements for a cult and he’s basically a mobster. It’s pretty obvious he doesn’t follow any real moral or Christian values and there was really only one person who threatens his grip on the Christian white nationalists. The Pope. So, it’s not out of the realm of possibility he had the VP whack the old man.”

Smith also said the timing was ideal because Pope Francis had just recovered from an extensive stay at the hospital, giving the administration a strong alibi. The Vatican, however, has ruled out any wrongdoing at this moment, blaming the Pope’s death on natural causes.

“We believe in the value of truth, education, and deductive reasoning in the Vatican City,” said Cardinal Donovan Mangold, a Vatican spokesperson. “In America, you’re free to believe in farfetched make believe. Here, we do not waste our time with such nonsense.”

Mangold also said he’s not threatened by Trump’s alleged use of military force to install himself as the head of the Catholic Church, saying he “should focus on delivering himself from evil, rather than try to meddle in situations that do not concern him.”