Local gorilla says he’ll fight 200 dudes, just say when and where

CINCINNATTI – Who would win in a fight, one adult silverback gorilla or 100 men? The internet is currently ablaze with this hypothetical question, causing men around the world to buzz with over-confidence and jovial jabs at each other’s manliness.

However, one silverback gorilla at the Cincinnatti Zoo isn’t finding this hypothetical funny and has gone so far as doubling the challenge, taking on 200 testosterone-fueled dudes in a massive brawl to the death.

“Nine years ago this month, my good friend Harambe was murdered by some pussy-ass dudes with a gun,” said Kiki, the 20-year-old Silverback through a zoo translator. “And they seriously think 100 dudes could defeat a gorilla like me in hand-to-hand combat? That’s too easy. I could whip the asses of 200 of your best steroid junkie gym bros and not even break a sweat. Just tell me when and where and I’ll be there.”

Harambe was a Western lowland gorilla who died on May 28, 2016, when zoo officials shot him following an incident where a young boy fell into the gorilla’s enclosure at the Cincinnatti Zoo. He was murdered one day after his 18th birthday and many online experts believe this was a historical catalyst that split us from the normal timeline into the unprecedented timeline in which we currently find ourselves.

“I don’t know about you guys, but it feels like everything started going to shit after Harambe died,” said Gavin Spool, a self-proclaimed expert in time who earned his history degree from ITT Technical Institute in 2009, in a Reddit post. “I’ve been crunching the numbers and I think we need to find 200 volunteers to take Kiki up on his offer to fight. I think this is the catalyst we need to slingshot us back to our original timeline where, hopefully, shit isn’t as fucked up as it is right now.”

Spool’s Reddit post has gone viral, mostly by conspiracy theorists and trolls, who’ve begun a list of expendable “alpha males” who should be sent into the gorilla enclosure to find the answer to the question burning in everyone’s mind. These names include Andrew Tate, Joe Rogan, Elon Musk, Mark Zuckerberg, Vladamir Putin, and many others.

“Look, this is totally a win-win situation for humanity,” said one Reddit user. “Either we go back to a time where unprecedented isn’t precedented, or all these goons get wiped off the planet and we create a new utopia. What’s to lose?”

Some zoologists have attempted to jump in on the conversation and use their years of experience to explain the most likely outcome of a 200 vs 1 fight, but they were promptly told to “just shut the fuck up and let this happen.”

“I don’t think these people are really all that interested in the science behind this,” said Mary Finch, a zoologist from the San Diego Zoo. “I think they just want to see these dudes get mauled by a 500 pound gorilla. And you know what? Yeah, I think I’d like to see that, too.”

Unsurprisingly, PETA has chimed in on the conversation about fist fighting gorillas. Surprisingly, however, the controvertial animal protection group appears to be all in on the bout.

“I know what you’re thinking, we’re gonna jump in here and tell you all about how inhumane it is to fight animals,” said Samantha Carter, a spokesman for PETA. “But you know what’s really inhumane? Those toxic alpha males who create daily problems for women, LGBTQIA+ people, and animals, of course. So we completely condone this fight. We hope Kiki fucks them all up.”

In an expected twist, none of the men who were listed as potential candidates for this fight have accepted. They were loud and obnoxious believers that they could not only defeat the gorilla with a group, but that they could do it single-handedly. Of course, now that the challenge has been issued, we hear nothing but crickets.

“The people want this,” said Spool. “But these tough guys ain’t so tough when it comes time to back up all the shit they’ve been talking.”

At the time of writing this article, there’s only been one person who’s accepted Kiki’s challenge to fight, a 22-year old named Kevin from Paramus New Jersey. Kevin is five-foot-five and 110 pounds. Vegas has put his odds of winning at 5,967,290 to 1.