Trump to rename Memorial Day as “Dead Losers and Suckers Day”

WASHINGTON – President Donald Trump has announced he plans to rename Memorial Day as “Dead Losers and Suckers Day”.

The odd and disrespectful decision comes on the heel of his decision to rename Veterans Day as “Victory Day for World War I”, a not as egregious, but equally unnecessary, change.

“I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, dead service members are losers and suckers,” said Trump. “I really don’t understand why we celebrate them. We should be celebrating winners and heroes. Heroes, like all the brave men and women who’ve graciously dipped into their pockets and bought Trump crypto coins. Those are true patriots, believe me.”

The decision to change the name of Memorial Day has ruffled quite a few feathers amongst both the veteran and civilian population, even with those who stood behind the president when he opted to make other outlandish and unnecessary name changes, such as changing the Gulf of Mexico to the Gulf of America.

“My grandfather singlehandedly destroyed six German machine gun nests to help save his fellow soldiers who were pinned down by enemy fire before being fatally wounded trying to take out the seventh,” said Harold Gunther, the grateful grandson of a World War II veteran. “He had more heroism in his left nut than ‘Draft Dodge Don’ has in his entire flabby meat sack of a body. This is a disgusting move and everyone associated with him should be ashamed.”

Gunther also said that if Trump put as much effort into reading about tariffs or how the economy works as he does thinking of things to rename around the country, he may not have an approval rating of 39%, the lowest of any president in the modern era in his first 100 days in office.

“I once heard a joke that said the U.S. government’s motto is ‘if it ain’t broke, fix it ’til it is,” said Dan O’Reilly, a Vietnam war veteran. “I think ol’ Donnie boy took that to heart. He has fucked everything up.”

When asked why he is dedicating so much time to name changes that most Americans view as “frivolous” and “wasteful”, the president went on a weavy rant about fentanyl and unfair trade relations with China.

“You want to know why I’m changing the names of all these things? It’s simple,” said Trump. “China has been taking advantage of us for years. Sleepy Joe Biden allowed billions of illegal and dangerous animals into this country. These evil illegals are fueled by fentanyl and the blood of our pets after they eat them. It’s really disgusting what these so-called humans are doing to our women and children. Really gross. But not anymore. My administration is putting an end to these terrible policies that Biden and Obama did to ruin this nation.”

After calling out the president for not actually answering the question, he called me a “sore loser” who was “being really mean” and “is no better than the suckers at Arlington [National Cemetary].”

“You’re being really mean right now,” said Trump. “You asked me a question and I answered it. But that’s never good enough for you media types. You have to spin everything to make me look like the bad guy. It’s really sad.”

After attempting to redirect the conversation back to why he’s renaming Memorial Day, Trump weaved for ten minutes about how he’s not just changing the names of Veterans Day and Memorial Day, he has plans to rename most federal holidays.

“Earth Day, that’s a weird one,” said Trump. “I’ll be renaming that one ‘America Day,’ because let’s be honest, America is the first country you think of when you think of Earth. That’s why aliens only attack us in the movies. It’s really unfair. Arbor Day will also be renamed ‘Climate Change isn’t Real Day.” That one’s obvious, obviously. Juneteenth is a word that doesn’t even make sense. That will be called ‘Donald Trump Birthday Week.’ I have the best birthday parties, it’s true. And we will of course reclaim Columbus Day from the Indians. The Indians were losers, that’s why they lost their country to great Americans like Christopher Columbus. Big losers. Worse than dead veterans, truly. Not by a lot, but at least dead Soldiers had heroes to win the war for them. What did the Indians get? Casinos? Anyone can have those. I had some, too. Not a great business venture, actually. That’s why I got out of them.”

We also asked the president why he doesn’t just get rid of Memorial Day if he despises veterans and our military so much.

“No, no, I can’t do that,” said Trump. “It’s really important to remember them. It’s important to have a day to remind ourselves that we’re not dumb enough to join the military.”

According to a source at the White House, it’s uncertain whether or not the president has any plans to rename anything else, but “nothing is off the table at this point.”