Hegseth to replace top generals with senior E-4s

WASHINGTON – Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth has announced a plan to reduce the number of four-star flag officers at the Pentagon by 20%, replacing them with senior junior enlisted service members.

Sources close to the situation told Alpine 6 Action News that only highly qualified women and non-white generals and admirals are at risk of losing their jobs as part of this purge.

“This decision is just the latest part of the president and SecDef’s holy war against ‘woke’ ideologies and DEI,” said our source, who spoke to us on the condition of anonymity. “If you’re not white, born and identify as a male, and a Christian nationalist, you’re on the short list to get axed.”

Our source also said not every woman and colored person will be fired. Hegseth has agreed to keep around “about a handful” of women whom he deems attractive after less than two shots of whiskey.

When pressed about the decision to forcefully retire such a large population of career servicemembers for a group of objectively less qualified people, Hegseth said, “We don’t need more thinkers at the Pentagon, we need doers. And no other group in the history of the U.S. military does more than the E-4 mafia. That’s a fact. Even when you take into consideration the staggering amount of shamming this demographic does on a daily basis, I’m confident they’re still more qualified for this role than those woke generals who only made it this far in their career because of DEI. It’s gross incompetence and it won’t happen any longer at the DoD.”

The term E-4 mafia refers to junior members of the military who’ve attained the fourth enlisted rank within their respective branch. E-4 is the highest rank an individual can attain without needing to attend a promotion board and ascend into the non-commissioned officer ranks.

This latest push to eliminate positions held by women and people of color has come under attack by critics, many of whom are quick to point out Hegseth’s hypocrisy as he undeniably only has this job because of the right’s contorted definition of Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion initiatives.

“If there’s one thing this administration’s consistent with, it’s hiring unqualified people for top-ranking positions,” said Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY). “Pete Hegseth has absolutely zero qualifications for his position, other than he’s unwilling to tell the president ‘no’ when it comes to illegal orders and that’s a really dangerous thing.”

Even supporters of President Trump and Pete Hegseth say this controversial decision comes at a difficult time for the secretary. Over his first three months leading the Pentagon, Hegseth has been bombarded with multiple allegations of violating operational security by using unclassified Signal group chats to share classified and sensitive military information, resulting in an investigation from the Pentagon’s Inspector General, or IG. He eliminated the bipartisan and Trump-endorced program, Pentagon’s Women, Peace and Security Program, which bolstered women’s economic empowerment. And he was blasted in a Wall Street Journal article highlighting his nepotism from elevating his third wife to a significant role within the Pentagon.

“Look, I like Pete, if for no other reason than I’m afraid of repercussions from the president,” said Rep. Mark Meadows (R-NC). “But c’mon man, you’re in the sauce right now—and I don’t mean Jack Daniels. I appreciate that he’s trying to bring change to the Pentagon, but let’s lay off the gas a bit and allow the Democrats to get distracted by something else for a little bit before we give them more fuel for the fire burning beneath the stake right now.”

Following Hegseth’s first allegation of leaking classified war plans in a Signal group chat where The Atlantic editor Jeffrey Goldberg was accidently added, he faced harsh criticism and demands to resign or be fired. Those demands have only increased over the past couple months as more allegations of incompetence have piled up. Despite the overwhelming evidence that he has no idea what the fuck he’s doing, President Trump has doubled down on his support of Pete, saying “I think he’s going to get it together.”

Of course, most people would argue that being the leader of the world’s most powerful military force isn’t really a job where you “figure it out as you go.” Then again, most people who supported Hegseth’s appointment believed that bringing in someone who wasn’t a retired career military officer or senior leader within the country’s military industrial complex was exactly what needed to happen to make sure the United States military returned to its roots as the most feared military in the world.

These promises came despite the fact that the U.S. military was already one of the most respected organizations around the world for both its military power and humanitarian efforts. It also neglected the fact that organizations like USAID, which was fundamentally gutted by Elon Musk’s DOGE, helped bolster the country’s soft power to ensure the U.S. was highly regarded by nations both big and small around the globe.

So, instead of maintaining this high level of prestige amongst our allies, enemies, and other foreign nations, our leaders in Washington have made ceremonial cuts to our military, claiming victory over DEI and “wokeness”, and turned us into the exact thing they thought they were saving us from: becoming a laughingstock to the rest of the world.