Voice of America to Reopen with OAN Newsfeeds, JD Vance Endorses ‘Patriotism Porn’ Programming

WASHINGTON — Voice of America, the U.S. government-funded international broadcaster once known for fighting fascist propaganda, will soon return to the airwaves, this time transmitting a different kind of authoritarian fan fiction — courtesy of One America News Network.

OAN, the cable channel best known for pushing Trump’s 2020 election lies and losing defamation lawsuits with the speed of a broken fax machine, has agreed to provide its content “free-of-charge” to VOA and other U.S.-funded broadcasters. The announcement came via a late-night X post from Kari Lake, recently installed as Senior Advisor to the U.S. Agency for Global Media — and recently rejected by both Arizona voters and the concept of a firewall between government and press.

“In my current role, I don’t have editorial control,” Lake wrote in the post, “but I can ensure our outlets have reliable and credible options.” She then proudly announced that OAN — a network the FCC would consider amateur if it were still bothering to watch — will be supplying shows like Hungry Heroes, a series that salutes first responders, military personnel, and possibly QAnon influencers in tactical cosplay.

Vice President JD Vance lauded the move in a statement from a Bass Pro Shop parking lot.

“It’s great to finally have a federal media outlet that celebrates real American values,” said Vance. “And by values, I mean an endless loop of the Star-Spangled Banner, war crime fan cams, and tasteful ads for Bad Dragon. This is the kind of state-sponsored chest-thumping our Founding Fathers would’ve loved — if they weren’t so French about everything.”

The return of VOA — stripped of most of its staff thanks to a Trump executive order currently tied up in federal court — comes after more than 1,000 employees were placed on administrative leave, and all programming ceased for the first time since 1942. Fewer than 20 staffers have reportedly been called back, enough to run the camera and maybe wipe down the Bad Dragon product samples.

The skeletal relaunch appears to be engineered with just enough meat to satisfy skeptical judges — but not enough to meet the actual statutory mandate to provide “reliable and authoritative news,” something plaintiffs in ongoing lawsuits say is being openly sabotaged.

“VOA isn’t supposed to be the voice of any one administration,” said VOA Chief National Correspondent Steve Herman. “It’s certainly not supposed to be the voice of One America News, a network that treats facts the way a cat treats a potted plant.”

Others were more blunt.

“Congress mandated VOA to report reliable and authoritative news, not to outsource its journalism to outlets aligned with the president’s agenda,” said sidelined reporters Patsy Widakuswara and Jessica Jerreat in a joint statement. “We already have talented journalists — they just won’t let us inside the building.”

Legal experts agree. David Seide of the Government Accountability Project called the arrangement “shocking and illegal,” which is incidentally the tagline for most OAN segments that don’t end in a defamation settlement.

Longtime OAN and VOA ignorer Tad Crater was reached for comment in his garage in Polk County, where he was sanding down a taxidermied fox.

“I only ever hear about VOA and OAN when one of them gets sued or when my fourth cousin Chester, who thinks the moon landing was staged by NPR, mails me newspaper clippings in a mayonnaise jar,” said Crater. “I thought VOA was a vacuum brand. And OAN? Isn’t that the channel where the weather is always ‘storm coming for liberals?’”

Crater, who admits he hasn’t watched cable news since the second Bush administration, offered a final word. “If they really want Americans to tune in, they should just show bald eagles flying in slow motion over monster trucks with Toby Keith narrating. But sure, go ahead and run ads for silicone patriotism rods if that’s what we’re doing now.”

For now, the Voice of America appears poised to become the Echo of OAN — though only if the courts let it.

“We’re saving the taxpayers money,” Lake insisted on X.

And possibly saving America’s enemies the trouble of producing their own propaganda.