New Pope Election Goes off Without a Hitch, Disappointing Cinema Fans

VATICAN CITY — With a puff of white smoke and the subdued ring of St. Peter’s bells, the world was introduced Thursday to Pope Leo XIV—formerly Cardinal Robert Prévost of the United States—elected by his crimson-robed colleagues in just two days, a span shorter than the average Vatican souvenir line.

But while tens of thousands in St. Peter’s Square erupted in cheers and choruses of “Viva il papa!”, at least one man—Tad Crater of Flagstaff, Arizona—was reportedly “deeply disappointed” that the real-life election failed to live up to the thrills of the 2024 Academy Award-winning political thriller Conclave.

“I was expecting explosions, moral ambiguity, and at least one cardinal with a uterus,” Crater said, referencing the film’s now-iconic final twist. “But what did we get? A bunch of old men voting silently, then smoke. It’s like watching CSPAN with incense.”

Indeed, the process played out with startling efficiency. After only five ballots and two days—roughly the same amount of time it took Stanley Tucci to deliver a single monologue in Conclave—Prévost emerged as the 267th pontiff of the Catholic Church. He chose the papal name Leo XIV and offered the traditional blessing to the city and the world from the Vatican balcony, minus any revelations about secret heirs, political bribes, or interior gender variance.

The 2025 conclave, triggered by the death of Pope Francis on Easter Monday, was widely expected to be brief. But the cinematic timing of the Conclave film’s home release just one day after Francis’ passing sent viewership soaring 283%, according to Luminate data. Cardinals themselves reportedly screened the movie in Domus Sanctae Marthae “for process awareness and popcorn.”

Yet observers quickly noted stark contrasts between fact and film.

“There were no hot mics, no rogue nuns with dossiers, and certainly no Ralph Fiennes climbing through papal apartments,” said Father Luca Moretti, a Vatican press aide. “We had potassium chlorate and Latin oaths. Not exactly Oscar bait.”

Conclave, which won Best Adapted Screenplay and starred Fiennes, Tucci, and Rossellini, portrays a secretive, scandal-riddled papal election in which factions of the Church clash over ideology, identity, and electoral ethics. The real 2025 conclave, by contrast, lasted about 48 hours and ended without incident, heresy, or any visible fistfights.

“This is why people don’t go to church,” Crater continued from his couch, wrapped in a Conclave branded fleece. “There’s no drama. You want me engaged? Give me betrayal. Give me bellringing in slow motion while a cardinal drops a ballot like it’s a war crime.”

Meanwhile, Pope Leo XIV is reportedly taking the underwhelming comparison in stride. A Vatican spokesperson confirmed that His Holiness is “aware of the film” and has “no plans to watch it until the summer retreat,” though he did express interest in meeting Stanley Tucci “purely for theological reasons.”

As the white smoke fades and the real Church marches on, Crater is already planning a Change.org petition demanding that all future conclaves be filmed with multiple camera angles and a Hans Zimmer score. “At the very least,” he said, “Netflix should get the rights to the next one.”