24 hours later, Trump claims he won the Papacy, blames voter fraud

VATICAN CITY – President Donald Trump has soured his tone about the election of Cardinal Robert Prevost as the new Pope.

The president initially congratulated Prevost for becoming the first ever U.S.-born Pope. However, his position on the subject apparently changed overnight that resulted in a long-winded tirade on Truth Social about how he actually won the Papal election, blaming wide-spread voter fraud in the Conclave for his loss.

His allegations that the election was “rigged” and the conclave was conducting a “massive witch hunt” against him are nearly identical to his claims about the results of the 2020 U.S. presidential election, where he very fairly and uncorruptedly lost to President Joe Biden.

“This whole thing’s been rigged against me,” said Trump. “The people love me. This is very unfair. I had more votes than any other candidate in the history of the Catholic religion, you can check the numbers. It’s very obvious this conclave is corrupt worse than the Democrats.”

Trump also said he’s going to pursue all possible legal actions to try and overturn the results of the election.

“J.D. [Vance] literally killed Pope Francis in order to open the door for President Trump to take his rightful place at the head of the Catholic Church,” said Westley Avery, one of the lawyers who promised the president billions of dollars’ worth of pro bono work in exchange for not being persecuted by the FBI for doing his job investigating the president’s crimes. “This isn’t a crime. This is just how winners win, and Trump is a winner. With everything this administration has done for Christianity and the pursuit of twisted religious ideology, the fact he wasn’t handed the Papacy as soon as Francis died is abhorrent.”

The president’s rebuttal of the election has many people scratching their heads as, even though he shared an AI rendered image of himself as the Pope and ‘joked” about becoming Pope in recent interviews, they didn’t actually think he was serious about any of it. Many Catholic Americans are now coming to the realization that maybe, just maybe, President Trump isn’t joking about many of the things he jokes about.

It’s a lesson many Democrats wish their fellow Americans learned back in November during the election.

“I don’t think President Trump has a sense of humor,” said Sarah Perez, a Democrat strategist. “He will say his most unhinged ideas, claim they’re a joke, but then do them anyway. And for some reason, people believe him every goddamn time.”

It’s these people who believe him, his devout far right evangelical Christian followers, who’ve formed the bedrock of his base ever since his first run for president in 2016. It’s these people who’re committed to the idea that a billionaire real estate mogul and reality TV host who’s authoritarian acts are aimed to gut the lower and middle class in favor of tax cuts for his wealthy friends is the champion of God—and the late Pope Francis, who died penniless because he donated his entire financial entitlement as pontiff to help the poor and marginalized communities of the world, was “woke”.

“These are the same people who’d probably deport Jesus if he came to the country illegally,” said Perez. “Christianity is just a label for them. The gospel doesn’t really provide any guidance to their lives unless they can twist it to conform to their anti-Christian beliefs.”

Meanwhile, as most of the Christian world celebrates their new leader, the White House is quietly plotting their revenge against the Vatican for what they view as a clear political attack on the president. According to sources close to the situation, President Trump is considering adding a 666% tariff on the Vatican City. That tariff can be removed if the Vatican agrees to make Trump the new Pope and establish a satellite Vatican location at his Mar-a-Lago golf resort, or the church agrees to use Trump’s God Bless the USA bible as its standard religious text moving forward.

Vice President J.D. Vance was also found by his staffers in the fetal position, gently caressing the cracks between the cushions of the suede couch in his office, mumbling about how the new Pope is a big meany for repeatedly correcting him on Twitter and how he’s going to “exact his revenge.”

Prevost, who is now known as Pope Leo XIV, did not immediately reply to our request for a statement regarding the president’s threats of tariffs, but we did receive an anonymous voicemail of what sounded like an annoyed person sighing, which is response enough for our journalistic standards.