RFK’s brain reinfested with worms after swimming in bacteria-filled creek

WASHINGTON – U.S. Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr.’s brain was reinfested by parasitic worms after he took his grandchildren swimming in a bacteria-filled creek on Mother’s Day.

This is the second time Kennedy’s skull has been infected with brain-eating worms, leading many people to question how much of his brain was consumed by worms to if he saw the “no swimming” sign and still said, “fuck it, watch this cannonball!”

“There was a sign that said, ‘no swimming’,” said Kennedy. “But I think I’ve proven to you all on multiple occasions that I don’t read anything that might influence me to make well-informed decisions about healthcare.”

Kennedy also said he doesn’t care what the sign said, he trusts that water as much as he trusts the raw milk he’s left out on the counter for the past week: completely.

“Actually, if I’m being honest, I probably trust the water in that creek more than the milk,” Kennedy said. “I can smell that the milk is starting to sour. I couldn’t see any poop or peepee or anything in the water, so it’s obviously fine. Micro-organisms are just another fabrication of big pharma designed to scare parents into thinking their children have ADHD, polio, or an opioid dependency.”

On May 11, 2025, Kennedy posted photos on his Twitter account of him and his grandchildren wading in the waters of Rock Creek Park, less than 1.5 miles from the White House. With an insanely quick Google search, it’s easy to see that the National Park Service has indeed put a no swim ban on Rock Creek due to its high bacteria levels.

To RFK’s defense, however, he probably assumed the National Park Service was already shut down since Elon Musk’s Department of Government Efficiency, or DOGE, had slashed $26 million in grant funding and is looking to lay off more than 1,500 employees.

President Trump’s proposed 2026 budget plan also calls for cutting $1.6 billion—or about 40%—from the NPS budget.

“I wish this whole brain worm thing would be a wakeup call to the administration that it’s probably a bad idea to gut environmental safety regulations,” said Dr. Tabitha Smart, a biology professor at Georgetown University. “But what do I know? I just have a doctorate in biological sciences and did my thesis on the effects of micro-biological bacteria on the human brain.”

Wednesday morning, Kennedy sat before both the House and Senate to defend his attempt to dramatically slash the number of employees at the Department of Health and Human Services. During the House committee meeting, he was pressed about his bacteria wading adventures on Mother’s Day and whether or not he provided any medical advice to his family after he was diagnosed with brain worms.

In a confusing twist that has left many health experts wondering whether or not a tiny worm is playing Ratatouille with Bob’s noggin, Kennedy insisted that he didn’t give any medical advice to his family and actually suggested that it would be really fucking stupid for anyone to take his medical advice.

Just so we’re clear on this, the secretary of Health and Human Services, whose job it is to safeguard public health and advise the president of the United States on all matters related to American health and welfare, does not think anyone should listen to him about medical or health related issues.

“The problem is that is his job—the top line of his job description—is the nation’s chief health strategist,” said Georges Benjamin, executive director of the American Public Health Association. “That is the top line of every health official, federal, state, local leader. That is his job, is to give people the best advice that he can. I believe that he’s giving up on, in my view, his chief responsibility.”

To get a better understanding of what’s going on in the secretary’s head, Alpine 6 Action News has an exclusive interview with Kennedy’s first brain worm.

“The first thing I need you to understand is that I totally left that place a mess,” said the worm. “I’m surprised there’s anything up there for the new tenants to live on, if I’m being honest. I mean, this guy honestly thinks vaccines cause autism. That’s a pretty clear indication that things ain’t workin’ right.”

The worm also said he isn’t surprised that Kennedy ignored the warning signs and dipped right into the highly infested waters of  Rock Creek.

“Humans and brain worms form a kind of symbiotic relationship where both parties become dependent on each other,” said the worm. “It’s kinda like the Goa’uld from Stargate SG-1, except instead of helping our host survive, we dine and ditch on their prefrontal lobe.”

Since departing Kennedy’s brain prior to the 2024 presidential election season, the worm has been happily feasting on the brain of Ye, the artist formally known as Kanye West.

“I’m in a good place right now, if I’m honest,” said the worm. “Kennedy was a great starter home, but eventually you just outgrow the space. I hope these new worms will enjoy their time in there. I definitely had a lot of fond memories.”