Trump to decommission U.S.S. Constitution amid fears it might hold him accountable

BOSTON – President Donald Trump has announced plans to decommission the U.S.S. Constitution, more affectionately known as “Old Ironsides” from active duty out of fears it might hold him accountable for his actions.

The decision comes on the heel of news that the president’s administration has had more legal injunctions against them in his first 100+ days in office than most presidents have over the course of their entire tenure in office.

“These activist judges are severely impeding the president’s plan to make America great again,” said White House Deputy Chief of Staff Stephen Miller. “The Constitution was designed to help the president of the United States govern, not impede his ability to do what the people of this country voted for him to do. So yes, all options are on the table at this point to make sure President Trump is successful, including suspending or replacing the Constitution with something better aligned with the president’s vision for our country.”

Constitutional scholars have warned that Miller’s comments and the president’s continuous overreach of power are the clearest indicators that our nation is spiraling headfirst into a constitutional crisis.

“The judicial branch and the courts of our country are not out to get the president, like he claims,” said Mike Wallace, a constitutional lawyer. “If the president doesn’t want to be sued more than other presidents, there’s one easy solution. Stop breaking the law and doing things that go against the Constitution of the United States. It’s really that easy.”

However, following a recent interview with Fox News, it’s become apparent from today’s decommissioning announcement that the president is confused about the difference between the U.S.S. Constitution—an old, old wooden ship—and the U.S. Constitution—the foundational document for our nation’s entire federal government.

“People keep telling me ‘Donald, you can’t do this, and you can’t do that, it’s against the Constitution,'” said Trump. “And I said, what’s that? I don’t like that. Let’s just get rid of it. Put it on the bottom of the harbor, that’s what I said. And that’s what they’re going to do.”

The White House and Pentagon have doubled down on the president’s decision to mothball our nation’s oldest active-duty naval warship, which was first commissioned in 1797, has served as a symbol of our nation’s military history as a museum since 1976.

“I love the Constitution, but she isn’t a viable warship in today’s high-tech modern battlefield,” said Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth. “Although it’s sad to see her go, the money we’ll save the American taxpayer on maintenance and upkeep is easily in the billion-dollar range.”

“Just to be clear, President Trump is looking to close a museum to save taxpayers billions of dollars and make America great again,” said White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt. “I don’t understand why the liberals hate President Trump for saving them money. He’s doing them a favor, but they insist on spreading lies about his ability to understand the difference between a boat and a piece of paper. It’s pathetic, honestly.”

Editor’s note: while the U.S.S. Constitution is manned by active-duty sailors and major restoration projects are paid for by the U.S. Navy, the ceremonial vessel’s regular upkeep is paid for by the U.S.S. Constitution Museum, a non-profit organization that relies on public donations and grants, not taxpayer money.

Despite the full-court press from the Trump administration to defend his mental acuity, his approval rating among non-MAGA Americans appears to be plummeting.

“This is why we shouldn’t vote for dudes who’ve already surpassed the average lifespan of men in America,” said Gavin McDonald, an independent voter from Illinois. “The last election should’ve been for president of the nursing home, not the country. And now we’re forced to live with a president who wants to be a dictator but thinks our country’s government is held together by a Revolutionary War battleship. You can’t make this shit up.”

When asked about their feelings toward the ship’s decommission, the locals had a lot to say.

“You don’t get rid of the fuckin’ Constitution, kid,” said Pat O’Reilly, of the South End. “That boat has more balls than all the fuckin’ dipshits down in Washington combined. Go ahead and fuck around and we’ll teach you a thing or two about why the Revolution started in Boston.”

“I assumed the administration would fire the ship’s commanding officer because she’s a woman, but I never expected to see them get rid of the ship itself,” said Mary Welch, of Charleston. “Wait a minute, is these another one of those Four Seasons Total Landscaping fuck ups? For fuck’s sake, is Rudy gonna show up with his dripping hair dye to do another presser on the deck of the ship trying to spoon feed us more bullshit? Jesus give me strength, that Yankee lovin’ ass clown better not step foot in our city.”

There has been no official word from the Pentagon about an official decommissioning date.