DHS unveils new ICE Cream Truck for rounding up undocumented minors

WASHINGTON – The Department of Homeland Security has unveiled its newest tool in its crusade to identify and deport adolescent immigrants who’re in the country illegally.

The ICE Cream Truck is a childproofed mobile surveilance and prisoner transport vehicle, equipped with state-of-the-art urban camoflage, NSA-level surveilance equipment, and 23 varieties of novelty ice cream flavors.

 “The liberals are angry because they think we’re being inhumane to these illegal children,” said Tom Homan, President Trump’s ‘Border Czar’. “But have you ever met a kid? They’re basically homegrown terrorists. We should just deport tbem all.”

According to a leaked DHS memo, the ICE cream truck will be deployed to low-income neighborhoods and neighborhoods with high immigrant communities. There, it will employ “rythmic acustic signaling” to entice young children to leave the safety of their home and approach ICE officers dressed in “non-threatening and child-friendly attire similiar to that of a confectionary sweets salesman.”

The memo also stated that the agency believes this softer approach to snatching kids off the street will reduce the overwhelming negative stigma toward detaining and deporting people without providing their constitutional right of due process.

“We were told raiding houses was really traumatic for the kids, so we developed a less intimidating way to get these adolescent vermin out of out country,” said Chaz Donnolly, the ICE agent who first developed the concept for the ICE Cream Truck. “Unfortunately, it’s really hard to differentiate which kids are here illegally and which ones are citizens without due process, which I guess we’re not doing anymore, so we just decided to deport them all. It’s just easier that way.”

In less than 24-hours since the ICE Cream Truck’s unveiling, the number of children detained for deportation has skyrocketed nearly 2,000%. It’s a metric DHS administratora says “clearly shows the effectiveness of the agency under Trump’s watch,” while critics say it’s just more disgusting evidence of the administration’s push toward authoritarianism.”

“Imagine you’re a kid on a hot summer day and you hear that sweet, unmistakeable ice cream truck jingle,” said Rep. Jared Moskowitz (D-Fla.). “You grab some money from your mom or dad to buy a Choco Taco and the next thing you know, you’re sitting in a Central American mega prison with rapists and murderers. This is a very real threat our children are facing.”

One of the children apprehended by ICE Cream Truck agents was six year old Chicago native Benjamin Smith, the whitest white kid you’ve ever seen who is also battling leukemia. His parents have taken to social media to plead with the president to bring their child home.

“Our son was kidnapped by federal agents and deported out of the country without any sort of investigation or probable cause,” his parents wrote in a Facebook post. “We need President Trump to bring him home and stop this madness. You must protect our children.”

Smith was born in Chicago on March 2, 2019, to Greg and Deborah Smith, also legal citizens of the United States. As a child, he had no criminal record, leading many people to question whether or not the ICE Cream truck was a good idea afterall. ICE, however, has stood by their decision.

“I don’t care what the parents say, the kid was a threat to our nation,” said Bryan Ivory, the FBI’s top-rated evidence planter in 2024. “They also said he has leukemia. Not sure what that is, but I’m pretty sure that’ll turn him gay when he’s older. If not, it’ll definitely make him transexual and use pronouns, and that’s just a whole other level of terrorism we’re protecting America from. You’re welcome.”

Meanwhile, a spokesman for President Trump said Smith’s deportation was simply an administrative error and it would do absolutely nothing to fix their mistake.

“It’s just one kid,” said White House Press SecretarycKaroline Leavitt. “I don’t know what all the fuss is about. Millions of kids die everyday from gun violence in Democrat-run cities but you all conveniently don’t want to talk about that. How about you stop attacking President Trump for every little mistake his administration makes and do your job and report on all the positive talking points I gave you prior to today’s press briefing.”

Senior Democratic lawmakers have attempted to locate Smith in order to make sure he’s okay, but DHS Secretary Kristi Noem offered them a free Spongebob Squarepants themed ice cream to keep them quiet, which they graciously accepted.