Democrats scout Virginia nursing homes for Connolly’s replacement

RICHMOND, Va. – The Democratic party has begun scouting local nursing homes for a viable replacement for Rep. Gerry Connolly who tragically passed away this week following a battle with esophageal cancer. He was 75 years old.

The search is headed up by Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D-Ca.), the 85-year-old speaker emerita, who cockblocked Rep. Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez, the 35-year-old representative from New York, earlier this year from leading the House Oversight Committee in favor of Connolly, despite his terminal illness.

“AOC is a brilliant bright light in the Democratic party who’s youthful energy and intimate understanding of our country’s youth’s needs could’ve propelled our nation into a prosperous future,” said Rebecca Knight, a political content creator. “Instead, the Dems decided it was better to put an old white guy with cancer in the incredibly powerful position at the head of the HOC. And now, instead of handing the baton to a new, younger generation, the Democrats are sticking to the status quo of elderly statesmen knocking on death’s door.”

Connolly’s death marks the third Democratic congressman to die since the November election, a troubling trend for Democrats as they appear to be losing legislators faster than the average American can say “stop electing people who’ve already surpassed the average life span in this country.”

The Democrats’ mass exodus to the pearly gates is particularly concerning to anyone hoping Congress will grow a big enough swt of balls to stand up to President Trump and the GOP.

Earlier this week, the House passed Trump’s “Big, Beautiful Bill”, which every economist outside the White House says will add trillions of dollars to the deficit. It was a great defeat for the Democrats, especially when you consider they could’ve blocked the bill if so many of their seats weren’t held by dead people.

“We’ve completely fucked over our children and grandchildren,” said Rep. Jahana Hayes (D-CT). “On the flip side, I suppose a silver lining to all this is that we’ve finally debunked the false Republican claim that dead people vote in elections.”

The Democrats’ failure to stop any of the Trump administration’s push for legislation that’ll cripple the country’s lower and working class has many people pleading with party leadership to retire and let a new, younger generation, take the reigns. It’s a plea that doesn’t appear to resonate with Congressional hearing aids.

“Many people are calling my office and writing to me on social media that we need to find a young, energetic nominee to replace my dear friend Gerry,” said Pelosi. “And while I’m sympathetic to their pleas, I think it’s really important to fill congress with people who really understand America, and that’s really why boomers are best for the job. They have nearly a century of experience knowing what it means to be an American and really know how to pull themselves up by their bootstraps when things get hard.”

According to an internal memo, it appears the frontrunners to make a bid for Connolly’s position after the initial scouting tour are Walter Montgomery, a World War II veteran who just celebrated his 104th birthday, Brenda McMahon, an 84-year-old retired school teacher, and Ian Patrick, a 76-year-old cancer patient currently living in hospice care.

The Virginia Democratic party plans on hosting the initial round of debates for a special election next month, if the candidates live that long.