Local kid celebrates late cat’s mice-hunting service this Memorial Day

WINDSOR, Conn. – A local child is spending his Memorial Day remembering the life and service of Lucifer Kostas, his family cat who was heartbrokenly out down this year after 16 years of hunting mice.

Nolan Kostas, 5, said he remembers the late family pet for her really soft fur, love of cuddling, and unmatched ability to hunt down and indiscriminately decapitate mice attempting to infest the family home.

“Lucifer was the bestest pet ever and I miss her little kitty kisses she gave me on my nose,” said Kostas.

Although adorable, some members of the veteran community offered to use this opportunity to teach young Nolan about the true meaning on Memorial Day.

“I think it’s really important to teach our nation’s youth about the men and women of our armed forces who paid the ultimate price for our freedom,” said Spc. (ret.) Martin Young, a former Human Resources Specialist with XVIII Airborne Corps out of Fort Bragg, North Carolina. “And while honoring your dead cat is cute, it’s kind of disrespectful to my brothers who died in the line of duty.”

It was advice that Kostas was not willing to accept and promptly called out the former soldier and his record of service.

“Shut the fuck up Martin, you spent both your deployments playing intermural sports in Kuwait,” said Kostas. “Your brothers didn’t die in combat; they died of high blood pressure from eating at Charlie’s in the PX food court every day. How about you step one foot in a combat zone before you even begin to think about talking shit about Lucifer.”

According to the Kostas family, Lucifer has more than 200 confirmed rodent kills, including mice, moles, and chipmunks, as well as many more unconfirmed kills, over her 16-year life. In contrast, according to the Department of Defense, Young has zero confirmed kills, three Article 15’s, and two divorces.

While Young’s definition of Memorial Day is, in fact, correct, our legal scholars and military experts believe Lucifer’s records clearly demonstrate who is the more lethal combatant. Additionally, they said that even though Kostas is a juvenile, he still has the constitutional right to free speech, meaning that if he wants to say Memorial Day is about remembering the life and service of his cat, he can do that.

“Let’s also not forget the fact that this whole situation is just plain adorable,” said Andrew Gunner, Alpine 6 Action News legal advisor. “I miss my pets, too. So why shouldn’t we celebrate them today, too? As far as I can tell, Lucifer was living in America and fighting domestic terrorism in the form of rodents. I can’t see any way this gets any more patriotic.”

Surprisingly, the story does get more patriotic. According to Lucifer’s adoption paperwork, Mr. Devin Kostas, Nolan’s father, brought the orange tabby home after finding it alone on the streets of Baghdad during a deployment with the U.S. Army in 2009. So, not only does Lucifer have more confirmed kills than Spc. Young, she has more time in a combat zone, too.

“Guys, I wasn’t trying to make a big deal about this whole thing,” said Young. “I just wanted this kid to understand why we celebrate Memorial Day and how it’s about troops who’ve fallen in combat.”

Shut the fuck up Martin.

Long live Lucifer, the greatest mouse catcher that ever lived. R.I.P.