Stolen Valor douche eagerly awaits your thanks this Memorial Day

KILLEEN, Texas – A local man claiming to be an active member of the United States military has said he’s looking forward to today’s Memorial Day celebrations to receive praise and recognition from the community.

Colonel 1st Class Buddy “Blue” Falcone, a slightly overweight 24-year-old, said hearing all the “thank you’s” reaffirms his decision to serve his nation.

“I would honestly serve this country for free, if I could,” said Falcone, wearing MARPAT trousers and an ACU blouse with multiple medals pinned upon it. “Being a soldier is tough and not everyone can do it. But let me tell you, having people come up to me and thanking me for my service, or getting a 10% discount at GameStop really makes all the sacrifice worth it.”

However, not everyone is appreciative of Falcone’s service. According to the three-time bronze star recipient, many people accuse him of stolen valor, or falsely claiming military service. It’s a burden he says he’s come to accept due to the secretive nature of his work.

“I wish I could tell you what unit I served with, or what base I was stationed at, or what my [military occupational specialty] is, but that’s all classified,” said Falcone. “I suppose the accusations of stolen valor are just something I have to live with until my DD-213 can be declassified.”

In one such altercation, as Falcone attempted to obtain a military discount while ordering breakfast at Taco Bell, a so-called “Afghanistan veteran”, with two prosthetic legs, accused Falcone of disrespecting real veterans through his charade.

Falcone took the lashing in stride, responding by offering irrefutable proof of his service, by regaling the “veteran” with an OPSEC-friendly version of a mission he and his unit was assigned early in his career.

“I probably shouldn’t be telling you this, but me and my unit actually had orders to take out Bin Laden weeks before 9/11 but we were called off last minute,” said Falcone, who was born more than a year after the attacks on the World Trade Center. “I’m still not convinced that wasn’t done on purpose. It really makes me believe it was an inside job. Probably not Bush, but maybe Cheney. But what do I know, right? That’s all above my EO-9 paygrade.”

Unconvinced, the veteran doubled down, saying Memorial Day is meant to remember and celebrate the lives of service members who laid down their lives on the battlefield, not for “phony-ass wannabe paintballers to run around in cosplay for attention.”

“I know what Memorial Day is about,” said Falcone. “I actually did die on the battlefield, but I used my Delta Force medical training to revive myself. So, if you think about it, Memorial Day is about me. I’m just fortunate enough to be alive and hear everyone’s praise for my service.”

“What a douche,” said U.S. Air Force Master Sgt. (ret.) Gabe Weston, a pararescueman who served in Vietnam. “I have real friends who never made it home from overseas and this twat rocket who has clearly never seen combat outside an Xbox controller wants us to thank him? Fine. Thanks for being a fucking asshole.”

Of course, not everyone was up in arms about Falcone’s questionable service. Marine Master Command Gunnery Sgt. Cray Ola, a delta sniper cavalry scout, said there’s more layers to the military than most people understand, even those who serve.

“I totally respect Falcone’s service, because as a member of an elite top secret special forces Coast Guard unit, I’ve faced much of the same criticism,” said Ola, wheezing after shoveling a plate of loaded nachos down his throat. “It’s sad that our own brothers and sisters don’t respect our service, but that’s what happens when most people don’t have a classified, above top secret, security clearance. They just don’t have the authorization to know we exist.”

We sent a Freedom of Information Act request to the Pentagon to get any information we could about these mysterious, super secretive units that Falcone and Ola were members of. We received a hasty response aggressively telling us to “fuck off with this stupid shit.”

Whether these men really served or not, we may never know. Regardless, we should never forget what this day is really about: the service and sacrifice of our nation’s warriors who never made it home.

We will never forget.