Taco Bell introduces new Cheeto-crusted chicken taco

IRVINE, Cal. – Taco Bell, America’s premiere faux-Mexican laxative dispensary, has announced it’s adding a new Cheeto-crusted chicken taco to its menu, probably, assuming it doesn’t back down from the decision in a couple weeks, only to threaten people’s intestinal tracts with it again later this year.

The nationwide chain originally planned to launch the new menu item on April 2nd but ultimately decided to push back the launch by 30 days after investors expressed concern over the unnecessary and chaotic changes this taco would make on customers’ bowel movements.

“We understand that our menu doesn’t always cooperate with people’s stomachs,” said Brian Waynewright, a Taco Bell spokesman. “We actually have a very sophisticated algorithm here at The Bell to calculate how much stress our food will put on the average person’s stomach. We call it the Taylor Durango scale, named after the first fatality from the Baja Gordita.”

Waynewright also said the Cheeto-crusted chicken taco was inching a little too close to the tipping point on the Taylor Durango scale, ultimately forcing the company to pause the release for a minimum of 30 days.

“Look, we appreciate that people love our food because it’s cheap, it tastes good, and it flushes out your colon better than a professional cleansing,” said Waynewright. “But we have to be professional stewards of our profession. So, we put in this pause, initiated discussions with our good friends down in Mexico, and pushed toward an ultimatum on how we could get this product pushed out the door in a package that’ll benefit the average American.”

Taco Bell faced another critical set back when a New York federal judge halted the launch of their new taco because it didn’t meet FDA and USDA standards for human consumption.

“This was a huge blow for us,” said Waynewright. “These laws and these lawyers are so annoying and unfair. People come to Taco Bell because they want delicious, fast Mexican-ish food, that’s literally why we’re here, but these judges are standing in our way of giving the people what they want.”

Waynewright went on to say they’re contemplating whether or not they should even follow the judge’s orders. The company’s leadership could face criminal prosecution if they did so, but it would also send a clear message to their customers that they are above the law and they’re not going to let some arbitrary regulation stop them from delivering on their promise of making tacos great again.

However, not everyone is as thrilled about Taco Bell’s belief that the law doesn’t apply to them.

“It wasn’t that long ago that these organizations and regulations were put in place because greedy corporations were crushing the lower and working class with their unsafe food preparation practices and tainted produce,” said Emilie Carmille, a senior agricultural advisor at the U.S. Food and Drug Administration. “If Taco Bell doesn’t follow the judge’s ruling and they’re not held accountable, it sets a dangerous precedent for the rest of the United States’ food industry.”

Taco Bell has appealed the judge’s decision, opening the path for the taco’s release to move forward—for now. The case is being elevated to a higher court; however, legal experts agree that it’s most likely the lower court’s decision will be upheld. The next question will then be, will this case be escalated to the Supreme Court? And will Taco Bell accept the higher court’s decision if it goes against them?

Only time will tell. Until then, if you think your stomach can handle this orange nightmare, head down to your local Taco Bell and get one before they’re gone.