Trump pardons Voldemort

WASHINGTON – President Donald Trump has issued a full, blanket pardon for Tom Marvolo Riddle, more infamously known as Lord Voldemort, today in the Oval Office after a brief meeting with author J.K. Rowling.

The Dark Lord was found guilty of murdering Lily and James Potter, and attempted murder of their son Harry, in 1981.

“I don’t really know this Voldemort guy, but from what I hear he’s a very fine person,” said Trump as he signed the pardon. “J.K. really convinced me to do this pardon. I said, ‘I don’t even know this guy,’ but she said I should pardon him. So, here we are.”

Critics of this pardon have asked why the president would even consider entertaining the idea of issuing this pardon considering Lord Voldemort is a fictional character in a young adult book series.

“Is he real? Is he fake? I don’t know, someone else took care of that for me,” said Trump. “But I like [Rowling] because she’s a great author. I’d even say she’s the best, if I could read her books. They’re a little too advanced for me, I think. But I really like what she’s done for the transgender community. She and I are a lot alike when it comes to that. Neither of us like chicks with dicks. When I grab a girl by the pussy, I don’t want a hand full of nuts, you know what I mean?”

Voldemort is the 59th person granted a pardon by President Trump during his second term in office outside the more than 1,500 pardons he granted to the men and women found guilty of nearly causing an insurrection on Capitol Hill Jan. 6, 2021, after his failed bid for reelection against former President Joe Biden.

Trump has granted several sweeping pardons to criminals in recent days, mostly among people who’ve shown support of the 34-time felon, or whom Trump believed was targeted unfairly. This has left many people wondering, did the dark lord who shall not be named offer his support to the president, or did the commander and chief simply believe the citizens of the wizarding world treated the Mr. Riddle unfairly?

“Voldemort is dead, he’s never coming back,” said Cornelius Fudge, the minister of magic. “Despite the trepidatious rumors that the Dark Lord survived his duel with Harry Potter, I can assure you those are lies. Regardless of what you think of the President of the United States, he is not under Lord Voldemort’s influence. I believe what we have here is a clever misunderstanding and people assume the Dark Lord has returned when, in fact, we’re just seeing the ascendancy of his creator, Mrs. Rowling.”

Rowling has a history of mocking Donald Trump on social media but has also regularly supported his right to spew bigoted and hateful speech, particularly toward the transgender community—a group she has also outwardly despised, despite spending years identifying as a man named Robert Galbraith.

According to Dr. Sandy Yumi, a registered psychiatrist, Rowling may be identifying more with Voldemort than other characters in her book, despite being the antagonist, because she wrote him to be a reflection of her true self, which has allowed her to align more with President Trump, despite being critical of him in the past.

“In an interview she did with BBC in 2000, she said Voldemort was a self-hating bully who’s ‘a raging psychopath, devoid of the normal human responses to other people’s suffering’,” said Yumi. “In recent years, we’ve seen her, too, become a bully to the trans community, spending tons of the money she made writing a children’s book that promotes inclusion and diversity to ostracize this community and take pleasure in their suffering.”

Similarly, Trump has spent enormous amounts of time and taxpayer dollars to rollback transgender rights in our nation, going so far as suing states who didn’t comply with his executive orders to remove transgender athletes in sports. It’s a crusade that many critics say isn’t worth the time and effort as it’s estimated that there are fewer than 100 athletes in the U.S. who identify as transgender.

“I believe that the issue of transgender rights is the bond that connects Mrs. Rowling and the president,” said Yumi. “And their mutual instinct to bully people who’re different than them is what ties them to the Dark Lord, which is what has led us to this unconventional pardoning of crimes.”

But not everyone believes there is a tie between Rowling and Trump that motivated the Dark Lord’s pardon. With the president’s habitual unhinged moments of questionable mental stability, some psychologists believe the president’s pardon of a fictional character is a clear sign the 78-year-old is losing his cognitive abilities.

“We’re talking about a 78-year-old man who frequently sends out unhinged tweets about Taylor Swift at 2 a.m.,” said Matthew Hayward, a clinical psychologist. “Men begin experiencing cognitive decline around 70, so it’s not that we should be surprised by his erratic behavior, we should be surprised that our nation really that electing someone so old was a good idea. Next, he’s going to tweet out the nuclear launch codes thinking they were his password to his Ashley Madison account.”

In a press conference in the White House Rose Garden, Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt supported President Trump’s decision to pardon Voldemort, saying that if Biden can pre-pardon his entire family, Trump can pardon his favorite literary hero. She also said there are pardons for Cersei Lannister, Norman Bates, and Hans Gruber awaiting his signature on his desk.