Congress holds its annual dick measuring contest to kick off Pride Month

WASHINGTON – Members of Congress convened on Capitol Hill this afternoon to hold its annual dick measuring contest to see who has the largest member in the current class of elected officials.

After hours of edging to ensure the largest girth possible at the time of measurement, Freshman Congresswoman Sarah McBride,  the first openly transgender member of congress, took home first place, forcing many Republicans to make an uncomfortable decision: either they continue to call her a man and admit a transgender person has a larger shlong than them, or they admit she’s a woman, contradicting their status quo of bigoted beliefs.

“I’m really torn on this as much as I was on whether or not I should vote to repeal funding for veteran healthcare,” said Sen. Jim Justice (R-W.V.), 74 and runner up in this year’s contest. “On the one hand, if I confess that Rep. McBride is a fine-ass woman, I’ll be turning my back on my deeply Christian conservative beliefs, but I’ll win the contest. On the other, if I still say he’s a man, I have to admit my dick is second best to a sissy. It’s a real pickle I’m in, here.”

McBride had originally declined the invitation to participate in the contest but ultimately relented after months of peer pressure from her colleagues across the aisle, undoubtedly in an effort to belittle her—a plan that obviously backfired.

“Representative McBride is a smart, beautiful, and successful woman, that’s plain and simple,” said Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-N.Y.). “But she’s also apparently more of a man than the rest of my male colleagues and I think there’s a beautiful form of justice in that.”

The Congressional Dick Measuring Contest tradition dates back to Sept. 3, 1783, when John Hanson, president of the Continental Congress, flashed his massive man meat and told the last British Soldiers to “suck my big, fat American cock” as they retreated at the end of the Revolutionary War.

The traditional showing of the shlong occurred annually on September 3rd until 1999 when then-President Bill Clinton officially declared June as Pride Month. In that declaration, he also moved the dick measuring contest to June 1st because “its overt homosexual themes and bipartisan participation make it the perfect event to symbolize the progress of LGBT rights in our nation.”

Despite becoming an event synonymous with Pride Month, many members of congress who actively participate in the showing and grading of penis ceremony maintain that it’s not gay because there actually isn’t any penetration or excessive ogling.

“I don’t think this is a gay tradition,” said Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas), who placed 102nd in the senate race. “It’s just what men do. There’s nothing gay about getting yourself erect in a room full of other men to measure your manhood against each other. Anyone who says different is just trying to turn this great American tradition into a part of their woke liberal agenda.”

The rules of the competition are simple; members of both the House and Senate lock themselves in their respective chambers and whip out their cocks to be measured. The judges grade the reproductive glands based on length and girth for an overall score. The winners of the chamber competitions then compete for title of best dick in a one-versus-one showdown in the office of the Speaker of the House.

This year, Rep. Lauren Boebert (R-Co.) was unanimously selected as the judge of the final showdown for her many recent public displays of expertise in handling penises.

“I was a true honor to be selected by my peers for this very important job,” said Boebert. “I have to admit, I didn’t think I was going to vote the way I did, for obvious reasons, but wow, I was impressed. All I’ll say is this, I heard the Warner Theater is performing Beetlejuice and I’d be happy to take Sarah to the show so we can, you know, hash out our differences, or whatever.”

Next week, the Judicial and Executive branches are scheduled to host their own dick measuring contests. Toward the end of the month, all three branch winners will compete to see which branch will be crowned as biggest dick in government.