Hegseth orders USNS Harvey Milk to be renamed after someone gayer

WASHINGTON – Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth clarified that his announcement earlier today about stripping the USNS Harvey Milk (T-AO-206) of its name memorializing the civil and gay rights activist, was only so he could name it after someone even gayer.

Harvey Milk was an openly gay American politician and former Navy lieutenant who served aboard the USS Kittiwake (ASR-13), a submarine rescue ship, during the Korean War.

“Everyone thinks I’m against gay people because of all the anti-LGBTQ policies I’ve put into place at the Pentagon, but that just isn’t true,” said Hegseth. “The truth is, I think we can do better. We can name this fine boat after someone so much gayer. Preferably someone closeted so he’s more relatable to me and all the alpha bros I hold in such high regard.”

According to a Defense Department memo, the announcement to strip the John Lewis-class naval ship during Pride Month was very intentional, citing the secretary and President Trump’s vision to rebuilding warrior culture within the Department of Defense.

“The secretary of defense wants our military to reflect the core values of American warrior culture that our nation was founded on,” said John Phalan, secretary of the Navy. “And he just didn’t think the name Harvey Milk adequately projected the overt homoerotic culture of our U.S. Navy.”

But the Harvey Milk wasn’t the only ship listed in Hegseth’s memo. Other ships, such as the USNS Thurgood Marshall, USNS Ruth Bader Ginsburg, USNS Harriet Tubman, USNS Dolores Huerta, USNS Lucy Stone, USNS Cesar Chavez and USNS Medgar Evers were also cited as “boats that aren’t gay enough”.

“If you’ve ever been around our Navy, you understand how extremely homo it is,” said Hegseth. “I mean, they’re called semen [sic] for Christ’s sake. We need our fleet to represent just how gay this organization is. I’m not talking limp wrist gay, I’m talking choking on a massive, throbbing veiny cock kind of gay.”

Liberal law makers were disgusted by the Trump administration’s decision to strip the Harvey Milk of its name, especially during pride month, where at least half of Americans celebrate the ongoing fight for civil rights for the LGBTQIA+ community.

“The reported decision by the Trump Administration to change the names of the USNS Harvey Milk and other ships in the John Lewis-class is a shameful, vindictive erasure of those who fought to break down barriers for all to chase the American Dream,” said Speaker emerita Nancy Pelosi in a statement. “Our military is the most powerful in the world – but this spiteful move does not strengthen our national security or the “warrior” ethos. Instead, it is a surrender of a fundamental American value: to honor the legacy of those who worked to build a better country.”

However, after Hegseth’s clarification, the Democrats were left betwixt supporting the decision to boost the legacies of our nation’s gayest civil rights leaders and standing firm against everything the Republican party does.

“Well, this is certainly a progressive motion by the Republicans,” said Pelosi. “But lets not allow this single act of surprising good faith to distract us from the administration’s attempt to undermine the Constitution with everything else they’re doing.”

Although the Pentagon hasn’t offically released any potential names for the Harvey Milk, it is rumored a leading candidate is Jesse Bailey Watters, for the Fox News Entertainment talkshow host.

“There isn’t any public evidencd that Watters is gay,” said a source at the Pentagon who spoke to us on the condition of anonymity. “But the president has a massive hard on for Fox News hosts and the dude does have two female names. Plus, if you’ve ever watched his show, you’ve definitely asked the question. So, we’ll see what happens.”

Alternatively, Hegseth said if a person of equal or greater gayness cannot be found to rename the ship, he’s open to naming it after a Confederate general instead.