Trump fires Hegseth after military birthday parade failed to give him massive erection

WASHINGTON – In a stunning shakeup at the Pentagon, President Donald Trump has announced his intentions to fire Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth after the military birthday parade he threw for the president’s birthday—err, the U.S. Army’s 250th birthday—failed to give the commander in chief the massive, throbbing erection he was hoping for.

According to a leaked internal memo, President Trump demanded Hegseth throw this military-themed birthday parade because the 79-year-old has “failed to achieve sexual stimulation ever since his third wife Melania lost her bangin’ hot bod after becoming pregnant with their son Baron.” The memo went on to say, “the closest the president gets to a full, healthy hard-on is when he binges YouTube clips of huge dictatorial military parades in China and North Korea.”

“The president really only wanted one thing for his birthday this year,” said U.S. Army Lt. Col. Dan Gobble, an officer who was part of the planning committee for the parade. “And that was to throw the biggest, most incredible military parade to help him fight back against what many are assuming is erectile dysfunction.”

Gobble went on to admit the parade was missing the grandiose finesse that the president was hoping for.

“When you look at the military parades in places like Pyongyang and Hong Kong, you’re looking at soldiers who train day-in and day-out for these events,” said Gobble. “But here in the U.S., we’re still recovering from 20 years of war in the Middle East, potentially prepping for war in Iran, and I’ll be honest, most of our time has been dedicated to preparing warfighters, not parade marchers.”

But not everyone was so cynical of the President’s parade. Albert Walsh, a 43-year-old gym teacher from Huntsville, Alabama, said he appreciated the president’s feeble attempt to honor the Army, but was extra appreciative of the money the Trump organization paid him to be there.

“I saw an ad on Craigslist for people to go to Washington to help fill in empty seats at the birthday parade,” said Walsh. “They were paying $4,000 and also giving out free red hats. 4,000 bucks will go a long way in Alabama, so I said, ‘why not’.”

Walsh said he personally enjoyed the parade, expressing particular interest in the historical tanks and uniforms the Army presented, but admitted the lack of enthusiasm from the few people in the crowd felt like a bit of a letdown.

“If the president was looking to get an erection from a parade, I’d suggest he come down to Huntsville for the Vincent Rutherford Equality March,” said Walsh. “It don’t matter if your gay, straight, or a velociraptor, those people know how to have a good time.”

In the wake of the Army parade fiasco, Hegseth has been on the defensive, sending countless Signal chat messages to reporters, influencers, and foreign intelligence operators, with highly sensitive military secrets to explain why he couldn’t have the Army’s best soldiers in Washington for the celebration.

“Look, I’d love to have millions of soldiers in Washington for this incredible event,” said Hegseth in one of those chats. “But right now we’ve got [REDACTED] in [REDACTED] about to strike against [REDACTED] at [REDACTED] time. So, obviously they can’t be in two places at once. All I have is the Rear [detachments] and non-deployable asshats to work with here.”

The excuses were not enough to save Hegseth from the chopping block, however. In a more private Signal chat between Hegseth, Vice President Vance, and a handful of reporters from the Washington press pool, the Secretary opened up about his need for this job and how he can’t stomach the idea of going back to being “just some talking head claiming to be a journalist” at Fox News.

“It sucks there,” said Hegseth in the chat. “We don’t even get the freedom to make up our own stories. We have to play along with what the bosses want us to report on. At least at the Pentagon, I have some power to make shit up as I see fit. I don’t know what I’ll do if Trump lets me go.”

If the pleas to the vice president hold any weight, they may be all that stands between him and immediate termination as multiple lawmakers from both sides of the aisle have called on Hegseth to resign his post after showing gross incompetency during his first few months at the Pentagon.

Since coming into office, Hegseth has promised to take our military back to its warfighting roots and ensure our nation’s warriors are no longer the laughingstock of the world, which he claims happened under the leadership of former-President Joe Bidem. However, according to nearly every news outlet around the world that isn’t called Fox News or Newsmax, the opposite is happening.

“The United States military was one of the most respected institutes in the entire world,” said Pavlo Gutierrez, a spokesman for the Spanish consulate in the New York City. “However, rather than staying the course, this administration is making a mockery of it. They say they love their troops but slash the funding for their veterans’ healthcare. They say they will focus on meritocracy above all else but works to remove meritorious service members because of their sexual identity. The hypocrisy in Washington is at an all-time high.”

“You know, the U.S. had a pretty good thing going for a long time,” said Alma Purdue, a military historian. “This country has the world’s largest and most powerful military. The rest of the world sees this from our actions in Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria, and other places around the world. But more importantly, our military had the support of people around the world thanks to programs like USAID, who spread soft power influence around the globe. This administration has stripped that soft power away and attempted to replace irrefutable evidence of power with a sloppy display of squeaky tanks and dudes who can’t march in step.”

The military parade was an obvious slap in the face of Donald Trump, and he doesn’t like being slapped in the face unless it’s by a coked-up porn star he’ll need to pay hush money to later. Right now, there’s only one person to blame for this publish tarnish, and that’s Pete Hegseth.

According to our sources inside the White House, Hegseth is willing to do anything to help the president achieve the hard-on he so desperately wants, because that’s the definition of a “yes man” and Pete is undeniably a yes man.