Educated Man Horrified to Find Himself Nodding Along with Tucker Carlson Interview

Boston – Marcus Graham, 37, a Northeastern University educated Communications major and longtime skeptic of “anything said in a voice that sounds like it’s permanently smirking,” was forced to confront an unsettling personal truth Tuesday night: for the first time in his life, he found himself sort of agreeing with Tucker Carlson.

“I don’t know what happened,” Graham said, staring blankly into the middle distance from a Cambridge barstool. “One minute I was watching ironically, the next minute I was nodding along like some kind of reasonable fascist.”

The broadcast in question was The Tucker Carlson Network’s latest dispatch from an undisclosed wood-paneled lair, featuring Texas Senator Rafael Edward (Ted) Cruz. What began as a familiar right-wing rundown on foreign policy spiraled into a moment of rare bipartisanship—or at least bipartisan disassociation—as both men raised doubts about U.S. military involvement in the Middle East.

Cruz, his eyes darting like a raccoon caught near a Chick-fil-A dumpster, agreed with Carlson that the “American people deserve answers” on the cost and purpose of forever wars. This, somehow, resonated with Graham.

“I mean, I hate that I’m saying this, but they made … a point?” he said. “Don’t tell my friends. I’ll never survive another game night.”

The clip went viral almost immediately. And it reached not just the corners of Reddit and cable news, but also the soft, tufted realm of Vice President J.D. Vance’s rec room, where he was watching in a brocade bathrobe from his fainting couch—a recent gift from his wife for “not tweeting during labor.”

“I saw Teddy (Cruz) on the TV,” Vance said in an exclusive interview with Alpine 6 Action News. “That meanie beanie Fud Rucker Carlson was being super mean and extra rude. What are we paying him for except to suck our collective dicks and spout right-wing extremist talking points?”

Vance paused, adjusted the cucumber slices resting delicately over his eyes, and continued.

“I don’t know when Tucker started acting like a guy who thinks,” he added. “Frankly, I preferred him when he was just yelling about trans M&Ms and putting NATO on blast. Now he’s out here sounding like some kind of … restraint advocate? It’s confusing and I don’t like it.”

The vice president then asked his staff if he was allowed to say “dick” in an official statement, to which one aide replied, “legally, only if it’s plural.”

Meanwhile, Hill reporters noted the moment as part of Cruz’s ongoing effort to launder his public image by appearing reasonable for up to seven minutes at a time. According to Politico, the Cruz-Carlson pairing is part of a broader realignment strategy in which senators try to win back populist voters by agreeing with television personalities who loathe them.

Back in Boston, Graham was still spiraling.

“This is how it starts,” he muttered, sipping a third negroni. “First you nod along to Carlson, then you’re using the word ‘globalist’ unironically and forwarding memes with eagles crying blood.”

At press time, Graham had retreated to his apartment to do something “centrist and stabilizing,” like donating to NPR or baking a Paul Hollywood recipe from The Great British Bake Off.