J.D. Vance sells beloved loveseat to help pay for billionaire tax cuts

WASHINGTON – In an effort to show his unwavering support for President Donald Trump and his “Big, Beautiful Bill,” which experts believe will gut many services and programs vital to average Americans, Vice President J.D. Vance has made the difficult decision to part ways with the infamous loveseat he, well, made love to in order to try and fund the bill’s massive tax cuts for billionaires.

Vance put the loveseat up for auction at Sotheby’s after one last tearful lovemaking session at the vice president’s residence at the U.S. Naval Observatory in Washington D.C.

“It was really hard to say goodbye to the old girl,” said Vance in an exclusive interview with Alpine 6 Action News, laughing at the word hard, as he became erect talking about the couch. “She was my first love and my first partner. You don’t simply get over something like that. She’ll always have a special place in my heart, but right now I need to put American billionaires first and prove my loyalty to President Trump.”

To prove the couch’s authenticity to Sotheby’s staff, Vance lifted the cushions to expose decades of dried cum and Vaseline.

“That may have been the most vile and disgusting thing I’ve ever seen,” said Katheryn Dill, a curator at Sotheby’s auction house. “That said, I’m holding back an unprecedented amount of vomit right now because I know there’s a lot of sick fucks out there who’ll pay an ungodly amount of money for this thing. Especially since he’s provided photographic evidence that President Trump has also … used the couch. Excuse me for a moment I need to run to the restroom.”

“Daddy, I mean President Trump? Oh, yeah, I invited him over after he was feeling sad about his birthday parade to let Lola make him feel better,” said Vance. “As soon as he was done, he was a totally different person, back to his old self again. He went from feeling sad to wanting to nuke Iran in 30 seconds. Lola is amazing like that. I’m not really sure I’ll ever love a couch like her ever again.”

President Trump shared the auction listing via this Truth Social account with some kind words for his second in command; “J.D. Vince is a great American. A REAL PATRIOT. Unlike those stupid DEMONcrats who only think about the Constitution and rights of people, instead of the needs of their president. IT’S SAD and PATHETIC. Vince gets it though. I’ve always liked him. And I’ve liked his couch. A little worn in for my taste, I like my couches younger, personally. If you believe in Making America Great Again, go buy this couch. I will LOVE you for it.”

In the first 24 hours since the auction went live, MAGA supporters have driven up the asking price from $50 and a Chick-fil-a gift card to more than $250,000, with some going as far as taking out a second or third mortgage on their homes just for an opportunity to own this piece of vice-presidential history.

“I’m currently underwater with my finances, but how could I pass up on this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to own something that President Trump and that other guy have stuck their dicks in?” said Chad Chipper, a 7-11 clerk from Montgomery Alabama who liquidated all his assets to bid $150,000 for the couch. “The only thing better than winning that couch would be to convince President Trump to put his dick in my ex-wife. Maybe then she’d come back to me.”

While tens of Americans are battling it out to bring the couch into their homes, there’s one person who’s happy to see it go. Usha Vance, the vice president’s wife, told Alpine 6 Action News that the couch had created a high level of friction between she and her husband ever since he first revealed that the couch would be moving with them to Washington D.C. after the election.

“When we were back home, I didn’t say anything because I thought the couch was just a means for him to relieve stress after a long day,” said Usha. “Yeah, it was weird he had a name for it and would often call out its name while we were intimate, but we were happy, overall, so I let it go. But after the election, all he did was send me pictures of where he wanted to put Lola in the new house. That was where I drew the line, but what could I do? He’s the vice president of the United States; the last thing he needs is more bad press about his love of fucking couches. So yes, I am happy to see Lola find a new home and for it to be sold for such a noble cause like funding billionaire tax cuts.”

To date, the couch’s auction has stalled around $250,000, about $2.3 trillion less than what Vance was hoping to raise. As it sits now, economic professionals believe Trump’s “Big Beautiful Bill” will add about $2.4 trillion to the national deficit and if the Republicans want any chance of outpacing the litany of lawsuits and claims of unconstitutional behavior to maintain control of the House and Senate after the midterms, the administration needs to find ways to overcome this staggering amount of additional debt.

With time still left on the auction, Vance has resorted to sending hand-written notes to wealthy overseas businessmen and political leaders, asking them to bid on the love of his life, citing that a few trillion dollars is nothing compared to the warm embrace Lola will provide in your times of need. He’s also tasked a handful of his interns to respond to phishing emails from scammers claiming to be Saudi Princes looking to unload their wealth, just in case they might be real.

“At this point, we’re not going to leave any stone unturned,” said Vance. “Sure, I’ve gotten countless calls from my bank warning me that my accounts have been drained of all their money from an ATM in Bangladesh, but this is what a real American would do to serve their country. What are the rest of you even doing? Are you not going to say, ‘thank you’? if not, then fuck you.”