To preserve OPSEC, Hegseth not informed about Iran bombings

WASHINGTON – In order to protect operational security, or OPSEC, about President Trump’s surprise attack against Iranian nuclear facilities last night, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth was purposely left off the Signal Chat used for planning the attack.

Hegseth has been receiving calls for his resignation almost daily ever since he shared classified war plans in an unclassified group chat with Jeffrey Goldberg, editor of The Atlantic, in March. Then again with his wife and brother in April.

“President Trump would trust Tom Holland with Marvel secrets before trusting Pete Hegseth with top secret military plans,” said White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt. “As a matter of fact, if Pete wasn’t such a useful yes-man, the president would’ve fired him months ago.”

On Saturday, June 22, 2025, President Trump ordered an airstrike against the Iranian uranium enrichment site in Fordo, as well as two other nuclear sites in Natanz and Isfahan, injecting itself into the conflict between Iran and Israel.

“If there’s a war happening somewhere on this planet, you better believe the U.S. is going to find a way to get involved,” said Gen. Dan Caine, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. “Usually, we’d wait until we’re closer to the end of the war to swoop in to claim victory, but after last week’s disappointing display of force at the Army’s 250th birthday parade, I think we have something to prove.”

According to the Pentagon, U.S. Air Force B-2 Spirit bombers dropped 75 precision-guided munitions and 14 GBU-57 Massive Ordnance Penetrator (MOP), America’s largest “bunker buster”, a 30,000 lbs. bomb capable of penetrating 60 ft. of concrete and 200 ft. of Earth before exploding against the targets.

While Trump touted the attack as a “spectacular military success,” and that the targets were “completely obliterated” experts believe the Fordo site is so far underground that it isn’t guaranteed that the MOP could cause any meaningful damage.

Caine said it will take some time to assess the full extent of the bombing’s damage against the Iranian nuclear program, but also that the watching the attack from the White House’s situation room was “really fucking cool.”

“Look, we dropped some really big bombs and being able to watch the operation unfold in real time with my best buddy Donny in the situation room was like a horny 18-year-old airman’s wet dream,” said Caine. “Pete [Hegseth] would’ve loved it.”

Meanwhile, the defense secretary learned about the attack alongside the rest of the nation when his phone dinged with a notification the president had posted on his Truth Social account.

“I trust President Trump to do what needs to be done to Make America Great Again, even if that means I’m not in the room with him,” said Hegseth, teary-eyed over a bowl of Cheerios. “I’m just kinda disappointed he didn’t ask me first. He knows I would’ve said, ‘yes.'”

When Hegseth texted his wife with news of the attack, she responded with a selfie she took with Secretary of State Marco Rubio in the situation room.

What will these bombings mean for the United States? Only time will tell, but we have it on good authority that quartermasters around the armed forces have put in a massive purchase order of steak and lobsters.