Former lawn boy turned DHS terror unit leader, “I thought this was just about deporting brown people”

WASHINGTON — Thomas C. Fugate III, 22, once dreamed of a simple MAGA-adjacent government gig. Maybe deport a few people, approve a PowerPoint or two, and make time to perfect his protein shake regimen. Instead, the former lawn boy from Kentucky now finds himself at the helm of America’s domestic terrorism prevention unit—and sobbing inside White House cabinetry.

Fugate, who graduated from the University of Texas at San Antonio with a politics and law degree just last year, shot from local landscaping gigs and H‑E‑B checkout shifts to a special assistant role in DHS’s Immigration & Border Security suboffice, and is now the acting director of the $18 million‑grant‑managing Center for Prevention Programs and Partnerships (CP3).

“I thought this was gonna be a chill ride,” Fugate said through tears. “Like, mostly vibes-based threat assessments. Maybe telling some local cops where to look for brown teenagers wearing backpacks. But now we’re talking Iranian revenge strikes and I literally don’t know what CP3 stands for.”

In response, DHS officials downplayed CP3’s role—calling it “insignificant” and “ineffective”—while praising Fugate’s “work ethic”. Yet others warn his elevation comes as Iran tensions soar.

Iran has vowed retaliation following U.S. strikes on its nuclear facilities, prompting DHS bulletins about heightened threats on American soil. With major cities on alert, detractors see the timing as alarming—not comedic.

Fugate’s meteoric rise is linked to his MAGA credentials—internships at the heritage‑foundation‑aligned Heritage Foundation, campaign trail work during Trump’s 2024 presidential run, and social media zeal. His LinkedIn, now scrubbed, once featured photos of a sharply arched eyebrow in front of DHS signage.

“Domestic terrorism is not a side hustle,” said Rep. Linda Sánchez (D-Calif.), who sits on the House Homeland Security Committee. “You can’t just Venmo the Taliban and ask them to chill.” Those in the room swear they heard Sánchez mutter under her breath, “It sounds like they are putting the intern in charge.”

Sen. Chris Murphy (D–Conn.) unleashed a pointed critique on Twitter (now called X), writing:

“22 years old. Recent work experience: landscaping/grocery clerk. Never worked a day in counter‑terrorism. But he’s a BIG Trump fan. So he got the job.”

“Listen, Tommy’s a go-getter,” said President Donald Trump on Thursday from Mar-a-Lago. “He’s got hustle. He knows how to spot dangerous grass—crabgrass, very bad, the worst—there’s no crabgrass at Mar-a-Lago, because I only hire the best people to care for the grounds. You know who would have crabgrass? Biden. Would he allow grabass to grow in his locker room of his country club? You know he has. Look at him. Can’t even. But the grass at Mar-a-Lago is pristine, TomTom can spot danger to the grass, and that’s exactly the kind of instinct you need when hunting terrorists.”

Fugate, moments from a mental and emotional breakdown said, “I thought CP3 was the third Captain Planet movie or something.”

Fugate was thrust into the role just weeks before Iranian leaders vowed “swift and devastating retaliation” after President Donald J. Trump ordered targeted strikes on nuclear facilities outside Natanz and Esfahan. While Air Force bombers roared over Tehran, CP3’s new boss was reportedly Googling “difference between Sunni and Shia” on a government-issued laptop.

Sources inside the White House confirm that Vice President J.D. Vance discovered Fugate sobbing inside a cabinet in the Roosevelt Room.

“Yeah, I walked in on that crying little bitch,” Vance told Alpine 6. “Little bastard stole my crying cabinet. That’s where I go when Pete Hegseth yells at me.”

According to Vance, the emotional distress is par for the course.

“No one on Team Trump is the man—or, begrudgingly sometimes, woman—for the job,” Vance said. “We’re all crying all the time. That lawn-mowing bitch ain’t special.”

When asked whether anyone in the administration manages to hold it together, Vance replied: “Pete Hegseth doesn’t cry, but that’s because he’s super-duper alpha. And also, a low functioning alcoholic. So, he just sweats out sadness, Adderall, and Jack Daniels.”

Back at DHS, Fugate has reportedly delegated key tasks to a series of inspirational quote calendars and a 2022 Tim Pool podcast archive. Staff describe the office as “partially operational,” though one employee did find a Grant Application document with the words “Let’s roll, patriots!” scribbled in Sharpie across the top.

A senior career staffer, speaking on condition of anonymity, said, “We used to model our threat response posture on empirical analysis and prevention-based community outreach. Now it’s just Thomas asking ChatGPT how to spell Hezbollah.”

Fugate insists he’s doing his best.

“I’m not a policy guy,” he said. “I’m more of a vibe guy. But I am taking it seriously now. I even muted my TikTok.”

As for the crying, he’s hoping to limit it to “just mornings and mid-afternoon slumps.”

“Look, when the bombs drop, I’ll be ready,” he said, blinking back tears. “Or at least, emotionally numb enough not to notice.”