Colder weather is on the way, just not where you live

If you’re one of the millions of Americans who’ve been hit with an unprecedented heat wave that even the air conditioner in your window can’t seem to fix, you’ll be happy to hear that a colder weather is on its way … for someone else.

Some should expect a cold arctic breeze, like the spine shivering blast of cold air you feel when you open the refrigerator or freezer door. Others can expect to see several inches of snow.

But not you.

You’re going to melt your tits off with the satanic heat of the devil’s ballsack dropping on your chest, splooging his hot fallen angel juices all over your face in a demonic bukakke ritual.

Don’t forget to wear sunscreen and drink lots of water.