OPINION: The Confederacy lasted longer than that ceasefire

In light of all that’s going on in the Middle East this week, we sat down with Mary Sue Burton, a member of the United Daughters of the Confederacy, an advocate for putting the 10 Commandments in every school classroom, and, as of a few days ago, an expert on Middle Eastern affairs and military operations, to get her Kevin Sorbo-like expertise on current events.

Brad: Thank you for taking the time to talk with us today.

Mary: Thank you for having me.

B: So, I’d like to start by getting your thoughts about what’s going on with the war between Israel and Iran this past week.

M: We need to restore the statues of our Confederate heroes around the country.

B: I’m sorry, what?

M: For year’s we’ve been told that our Confederate heritage, a very important piece of who we are down here in the South, is irrelevant because supposedly things like Taco Bell’s Doritos Loco Taco survived longer than our Confederate heritage, which is a really dumb comparison.

B: I mean, I think most people are just confused about why so many people are trying to hold on so strongly to something that was so deeply rooted in the evil of slavery.

M: The Confederacy and the Civil War were not about slavery; that’s a deceptive lie told by the stupid Yankee liberals. If you actually read a history book, which I admit I have not, but I know someone who did, then you’d understand that the Civil War was about states’ rights. Like a state’s right to own slaves.

B: Okay, but what do statues of Confederate generals and discontinued Taco Bell menu items have about the war going on in the Middle East?

M: The ceasefire between Israel and Iran lasted less than 12 hours.

B: Yes, it’s a very volatile region of the world right now. But I’m not sure you answered my question. What does the Confederacy have to do with the Iran-Israel war?

M: I’ll I’ve heard about on my TikToks and my neighborhood Facebook group is how great this ceasefire is, or was, now that it’s ended so quickly. But meanwhile, I keep getting told I’m a racist because I believe in conserving my family’s history fighting for what I believe is right. So, I say, if people can agree that a 12-hour ceasefire is legitimate, so is our Confederate history.

B: Because the Confederacy lasted longer than the ceasefire?

M: Exactly.

B: Okay, well, I’m still having a hard time understanding how those two things are connected, but for the sake of staying on topic, let me ask you this, as a recently self-described expert in Middle Eastern affairs, who do you think is responsible for the breakdown of the ceasefire?

M: Well, Iran and the liberals who want to see President Trump fail, obviously.

B: Don’t you think Israel is just as much to blame for the hostilities going on in that region of the world? Since, Israel attacked Iran first, I mean.

M: No. Israel is incapable of doing anything wrong. They could use nuclear bombs or chemical weapons on Iran, and it would be justified.

B: Wait, so you’re saying you condone the use of weapons of mass destruction?

M: I never said that.

B: You just said you’d be okay with Israel using nuclear and chemical weapons.

M: Those aren’t WMDs.

B: Yes they are.

M: Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s what’s wrong with fake news outlets like you, you’re always twisting people’s words to male President Trump look like a fool. It’s pathetic.

B: You and this conversation may be fake, but I think it highlights a real issue in our society of putting politicians on a pedestal and turning a blind eye to their poor policies and, in some cases, crimes against humanity.

M: What do you mean I’m fake?

B: Sorry, fourth wall break. Do you think President Trump will reengage both nations and try to broker a lasting peace deal, or do you think it’s more likely that the United States will eventually have boots on the ground in the Middle East again to fight another war.

M: Of course he will. President Trump is the greatest negotiator in the history of the Human race. He said he would end the war in Ukraine and that’s exactly what he’s doing. He promised no more wars and he will deliver on that promise.

B: But we’re not talking about the war in Ukraine, although now that you bring that up, we’re more than 150 days into his presidency and he said he would have that war finished on day one. Why do you think there hasn’t been any meaningful headway in that conflict? And furthermore, do you think the president’s attack on Iranian nuclear facilities sends the wrong message about his supposed “America First” policy?

M: Nope.

B: Why not?

M: Illegal immigrants are destroying our nation from the inside, thanks to Biden and his crime family. These atrocities would’ve never happened if the dumb liberals pulled their heads out of their asses and did the smart thing and support the Confederacy.

B: Because the dark-skinned immigrants would be enslaved?

M: That would be the state’s right to do so.

B: Okay, well, this has been extremely underwhelming and not informative about current events, at all. Have a great day.

M: It would be a great day in the Confederacy.

B: Bye!