See you next Tuesday when the world ends

REDACTED — In a dimly lit garage beneath what appeared to be a Pizza Hut that had long since stopped serving pizza, Alpine 6 Action News met with a man who claims to have cracked the cosmic code of Earth’s imminent destruction.

The man, who spoke only on the condition of anonymity and asked to be referred to as Codename Kool Operator Jr., offered a breathless series of clues pointing to one undeniable truth: the world is ending next Tuesday.

Below is a lightly edited transcript of our conversation, in which I, Crag Donovan, pretend to be interested.

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CRAG DONOVAN: So … you believe the world will end next Tuesday?

KOOL OPERATOR JR.: Not believe, know. Big difference. Think about it, what are the first three letters of the U.S. President’s name?

CRAG: I assume you mean Donald Trump?

KOOL: Don. Now—what’s Don backwards?

CRAG: Uh… Nod?

KOOL: Exactly. But that’s not all. Nod—what is that? A NOD to a demon. A demon from the Bible.

CRAG: I don’t recall a demon named Nod in the Book of Revelation.

KOOL: That’s because you’re not REALLY reading it. You’re looking at the words, but you’re not seeing them. Nod isn’t just a demon, it’s the idea of a demon. It’s a wink. A nod! The third seal in the Book of Revelation—what happens when it’s broken?

CRAG: A black horse appears. I think it symbolizes famine or economic collapse.

KOOL: Exactly. But that’s just the cover story. The black horse? It’s a metaphor. You know what else had a lot of horses? The 2017 straight-to-DVD classic Horse Dancer.

CRAG: I’m afraid I don’t know that film.

KOOL: You should. Who was in it? Richard Karn. RICHARD. MOTHER. LOVING. KARN.
And what’s he most famous for? Tool Time. Which was a show within a show on Home Improvement. And who else starred on that?

CRAG: Tim Allen?

KOOL: Exactly. Now listen closely. Tim Allen. How many names is that?

CRAG: …Two?

KOOL: Exactly! And what’s two names minus one name? One name with… Three letters! T-I-M. That’s three. That’s the third seal. The black horse. The Karn Horse. The Karn-ocalypse. Still with me?

CRAG: I think so, but can you just explain—how does this tie to next Tuesday?

KOOL: You’re really not paying attention. Don backwards is Nod. Nod is a demon with three letters. Third seal, black horse. Horse Dancer, 2017. Richard Karn. Al Borland. Home Improvement. That show aired reruns every Tuesday on Channel [REDACTED] in [REDACTED]. It’s all right there.

You’d best get your affairs in order. Because next Tuesday? It’s lights out for humanity.

CRAG: So just to clarify—you’re saying the end of the world will happen next Tuesday. Not tomorrow. Not this week. But next week?

KOOL: Yeah, that’s it. Most likely. Or maybe the Tuesday after that. End of the world’s tricky like that. Sometimes it’s punctual, sometimes it’s on Ackland Standard Time.

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At press time, Kool Operator Jr. was preparing a laminated map of the Vatican gift shop, a VHS copy of Home Improvement Season 4, and a 12-pack of Surge in preparation for what he’s calling “The Final Fix-It.”

The Department of Homeland Security has yet to comment, but an unnamed official did issue a statement to Alpine 6, reading only: “Again?”

Additionally, Alpine 6 reached out to Richard Karn and informed him of this theory the world will be ending soon.

“I can’t say I’m surprised,” said Karn. “I always knew I’d have a hand in the end of the world.”

Stay tuned. Next Tuesday could be your last. Or the one after that.